Recap: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Episode 5.10, “I Don’t Know But I’ve Been Told, Drag Queens Always Tuck and Fold!”

There are only five drag queens left on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and as Alaska put it, “It’s turned quickly from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants to Sisterhood of I’m Going to Kill You So I Can Win.” It’s getting ugly in there, kids! And that’s the best part!

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

In the work room, Coco gloated about finally getting rid of Alyssa. I was dreaming about the moment when we’d get rid of Coco, too. Is it just me, or is she just plain unpleasant? I’d rather have my nose hairs trimmed by a bobcat than spend time with Coco Montrese, even though bobcats notoriously overcharge for their services.

This week’s mini challenge was Drag Queen Booty Camp, which is like boot camp, but with a Y on the end. Dressed in borrowed boobs and high heels (yeah – like that’s never happened to you), the queens were worked out by Storm from Barry’s Bootcamp. Storm, surprise surprise, was a hot dude. I’m guessing his birth name isn’t Storm. But he seemed to create a storm in our queens’ pants. The contestant who lasted the longest with Storm won. Working out, you dirty-minded hags. And Alaska won! Probably because everything is so far apart in Alaska that you have to run there, or ride on dogs, or something.

This display of sweat and tiny, tiny muscles led us to the main challenge. The queens were tasked with dragging over five gay ex-Marines who served honorably before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I have a helluva lot of respect for anyone in our armed forces, but especially those who were forced to hide themselves behind such a disgusting and harmful policy while also risking their lives. So – yay Marines! As Ru said, they now have the “freedom to be fierce!”

Alaska, the winner, got to pair up the Marines with the queens. Of course, he gave himself the tall, pretty man, and gave Jinkx the oldest of the group. But this challenge is always a surprise, and you can’t judge a Marine by his facial hair. Turns out, Jinkx’s Marine personally knew Judy Garland and was a lovely, sweet man. Suck on that, 49th state! Although later he told Ru that he killed Judy Garland by introducing her to the sleeping pills that she overdosed on.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that struck Ru speechless, and left me only with exclamation marks. Yup, that’s the story that got him cast on the show.

The queens went to work navigating bodies different than their own; fashioning costumes; working with weaknesses, such as burly men who’ve never walked in heels before.

Alaska’s pretty man had the worst walk since feet were invented. Being a drag queen isn’t all long limbs and clear skin!

Detox’s Marine Aaron talked about DADT. He was living in the Castro before going into the Marines, and it was difficult, dealing with the culture shock of being in the military while pretending to be someone else. He said now the weight was off now, and he could be himself without fear of repercussion. I’m sure it’s still not all sunshine and roses for our GLBTQ service members, but I hope it’s getting better every day. We appreciate you!

Steve, Coco’s Marine, joined the military to become “straight.” He said he learned a lot from the military, but that he thought it was the drag queens who had real balls.

In addition to the runway show, the teams had to come up with a color guard routine, which would allow everyone to laugh at their uncoordination. I mean, see their patriotism.

Jinkx’s colorful Marine friend Dave revealed that he was suffering from AIDS, and that the medicine destroyed a lot of his muscles, including those in his legs, making heels very difficult. I feel that being paired with Jinkx was a real blessing, because you can just tell that Jinkx is a patient person who was ready to work with whatever challenges they faced with kindness. Dave was even discharged for being gay. One of his roommates ended up in Fort Leavenworth for a year. Prison. For being gay. And all for the sin of wanting to serve our country and preserve the rights they didn’t enjoy.

Detox talked about his terrible car accident, which nearly destroyed his face, and kept him home bound for months. He said drag brought him back into the world again, but that he still can’t grow an eyebrow on the left side of his face. That’s why makeup is magic, friends.

Seriously, y’all – I am here crying over Drag Race. Tears of looooooove!

Alaska had never seen a color guard before, so he and his Marine took to sword fighting with their flags. Things became super… phallic. Which I am not complaining about! But I think they might have been a bit confused.

Our guest judges this week were George Kotsiopoulos from Fashion Police and Clinton Kelly from What Not to Wear. I just adore Clinton – he’s such a lovely gentleman. I think he and Tim Gunn should have a TV show where they just sit around being elegant. It could be called Better Than You, and You Love It!

We only got to see pieces of the color guard routines, but Roxxxy’s group seemed competent; Detox got hit with a flag; Jinkx’s routine featured laughs and camp; Coco’s sister from another mister was charming; and Alaska’s dance was just plain weird, but fun!

The runway show was fun. Jinkx and Dave served ridic mama and gypsy realness in matching outfits of black and silver, with a side of smiles aplenty. “Now that’s enter-taint-ment!” quipped Ru. Roxxxy turned her Marine out, and they wore matching silver and black zebra swimsuits with fur capes. They even looked alike facially! Alaska and her sister Nebraska slinked down the runway in black cat suits, and meow! What a pair of hot, blonde pussies! “I didn’t know Patty Hearst had daughters,” said Clinton. (Oh, you, sighed the blogger.) Detox and her sis Beth Adone (get it?!) looked like candy stripers on acid in red and white striped dresses. Beth’s makeup matched Detox’s perfectly. Coco and Horchata Montrese looked pretty in red and pink gowns, but were a bit less dazzling than their competitors.

Jinkx got high marks for her styling and choreography. Yay! Roxxxy’s sister was praised for her gorgeousness, and for the family resemblance. Nebraska, the hottie, was a pretty, pretty picture, but the padding Alaska gave her was too, too lumpy. Detox’s flag routine was called out for Detox’s lack of smiling and their both lack of coordination. Coco’s makeup job on Horchata was horrifying, and called so. Plus, her sad gown looked shabby and second rate next to Coco’s.

Ru thanked the veterans for their service to ensure that anyone could be a Drag American if they wish it. God bless the US of A, y’all, where we’re still free. As long Sarah Palin doesn’t get her way.

The winner of the challenge was… Roxxxy! Yay! Welcome to the two-win club, Roxxxy.

Hitting the bottom, again, was Coco. In fact, we’re just gonna call it the Coco two. She was joined in Sadville by Detox. They lip synched to (It Takes) Two To Make It Right by Seduction… featuring Michelle Visage! Wowee! I never knew Visage was on this track. The more you know, what what. Coco was serving it up with dance moves and a demented smile. Detox whipped out some old school dance moves and a more subtle style of synch.

The cabbage patch saved Detox, and she stayed. Finally, Coco was given her walking papers, and she sashayed away.

I think we have the correct final four. Rank them for me in the comments! Mine are 1) Jinkx, 2) Alaska, 3/4) Roxxxy and Detox (can’t decide which is which).