End Of The Week News: Yes, And We Thank Thee

Welcome back, muffins, kittens, poodles, and oh, whatever else we got going on here. Here we are, taking to the brimming cauldron of news and newsish, highlighting the week’s events that are enough to send us running for the hills and screaming for mercy. Alas, this is always a trip, to be here, relaying the newest and the ew-est. So pop your best poppers, and down your best painkillers and let’s get this show on the road like never before.

Still from The Simpsons of a staggering chimp, captioned "[Lethargic chittering]"
How relevant this feels, when I glance upon the news

Cyberthieves looted ATMs of over $45 million in just a few hours, with withdrawals striking 2,904 machines over 10 hours and withdrawing $2.4 million in New York alone. The incident, which happened on February 10th, has only recently come to light, as eight members were indicted on Thursday. (New York Times)

The suspect in the ghastly abduction of three Cleveland women wrote a suicide note in which he confessed his crimes, yet blamed the victims for being kidnapped, according to reports in CBS News and Cleveland TV station WOIO. “I am a sexual predator,” Ariel Castro allegedly wrote in a 2004 letter police found in his dingy home. “I need help.” (Huffington Post; 19 Action News)

Jodi Ann Arias, a California native who testified she killed her ex-boyfriend in self-defense, was found guilty Wednesday of murder. The eight-man, four-woman jury, which heard four months of testimony and final arguments, deliberated over four days before returning the verdict of first-degree murder. Arias, 32, could receive the death penalty. (Huffington Post)

Jason Richwine, who coauthored a Heritage Foundation study on immigration, didn’t just argue that certain minorities are dumber in his scholarship – he also said it at a public panel. (Mother Jones)

In relevant news, researchers have established a link between racism and stupidity. Shocking. (UCA News)

Bangladeshi lawmaker Towhid Jung Murad was guest of honor at the August 2010 inauguration of a five-story building in his constituency named Rana Plaza. Three years later he was back, this time helping pull survivors from the rubble. Now, two weeks after the block collapsed, killing more than 900 people, Murad is facing a furious backlash from grieving families, some of whom say they want him hanged for his role as a political patron of the block’s owner. (Reuters)

The son of former Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani has reportedly been kidnapped during a campaign rally in his hometown of Multan. Ali Haider Gilani was taken during a gunfire at the rally, which apparently killed his personal secretary and injured others. (Al jazeera)

Yes kittens, this may all seem laced with sarcasm, but the soapbox can get pretty awful sometimes. Make it easy with a dash of humor, a dash of benign fear, and call it a day. Right? Right? Well, at least when the world looks extra awful, reach out and tell someone you love them. Give a hug. And for goodness sake, turn off the damn news, that stuff gives you nightmares.

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