In Which I Pitch Movies Based on Alumni Magazine Ads

Here are some of the things that are advertised in my alumni magazine that make me want to reevaluate my career choices. Since I lack the ability to identify with anything without tying it to the movies, here I present the movie that is also happening (in my mind) in each location.

“Three NH Cabins”

Description: Multiple summer rental cabins. Not too crazy. 3 seems a little excessive. I highly doubt I have enough friends to fill 3 cabins who can afford this. Correction, I definitely don’t have enough friends for this.

Movie: Slasher film. Obviously this revolves around a group of friends who haven’t seen each other in years and are reuniting for this weekend away from the world and someone is a serial killer. Probably a revenge killer incensed by having to clean the dishes in their campus housing too many times. Always make sure the drain is clear and there is no peanut butter smears on the sponge, and you won’t die. Some people (me) take dishes very seriously. What I’m implying is that I’m probably the serial killer among my group of friends, and now that’s on the internet so, there’s that.

“Charming Cape Cod Rental”

Description: Similar to the above, but confined to one house and with added charm. Charm and Cape Cod. NH promises privacy, but Cape Cod promises being in the thick of the N.E. summer travel, which can be good or absolutely terrible depending on who you’re asking.

Movie: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie before. It had some college-aged guys planning to have the GREATEST SUMMER EVER, but instead learned that there is more to life than keg stands and getting laid, as they learn about friendship and share their fears of post-graduation life. Lots of driving scenes, lots of beach frolicking, and super bouncy music like Passion Pit to emphasize the celebration of being young.

“Cape Cod Waterfront”

Description: 5 bedroom vacation home for rent. Not to compete with the previous ad but it’s better because it’s WATERFRONT.

Movie: Coming home story. Maybe a recent college grad returns home to find herself feeling estranged from these Oxford and boat shoe clad vestiges of her former life. They seem so stodgy and traditional compared to the big wide world in front of her. Seersucker may seem alienating and cold, but she’ll learn to accept her family for who they are, lack of emotions and all. Joan Allen is of course, the mother in this movie.

“Bar Harbor, Maine”

Description: I now realize there is an expectation that I own vacation real estate in New England. I briefly consider my parents house in Long Island my vacation home, as I don’t have to pay for meals when there, and usually just nap all day and watch movies all night. This is what I would do if I had a cottage in Maine. This wasn’t a description of the house, but rather my current existential crisis inspired by this ad.

Movie: Initially, I wanted to go with more of the people having internal struggles, since that feels like every portrayal of New England ever (see also The Ice Storm). That or working class folks trying to get by or coming of age (see also Mystic Pizza; Good Will Hunting). Instead, this could be great for dystopian, “We’re so isolated we didn’t realize the world was ending and now we’re disconnected from everyone,” type of film.

“French Provinces”

Description: Finally! Someone owns a “rustic farmhouse” in southwestern France. As expected the following words are used: “quiet,” “picturesque,” “gastronomy,” “vineyards,” and “history.” It’s like a checklist from Under the Tuscan Sun, but French.

Movie: I’m pretty sure Woody Allen has this covered in his, “Americans go to Europe and discover themselves but really just learned that they are all seriously messed up,” movies. So basically a lot of wine, a lot of talking, and a lot of slow sunsets across the vineyard while drinking a glass of wine. Wine glasses will probably be thrown. Wine.

“Farm Succession”

Description: By the time I’ve finished reading this ad, I’ve created a madcap comedy in my head where I’ve bought a farm on a whim and learn about myself as I learn about the farm, but what I’ve really learned is that I have an overactive imagination and relatively stagnant bank account. Someone is looking to maybe pass on the ownership of their Washington State farm to a fellow alum. This is definitely the start of a great beach-read novel that becomes a movie starring Katherine Heigl.

Movie: Obviously a fish out of water rom-com where Katherine Heigl (seriously, what happened to her?) decides to give up her high-powered job as an attorney/stockbrocker/television producer as she inherits a farm in Washington. Hijinks ensue as the city girl learns to love the fresh air, tractors, and the handsome beer brewer who may have a dog or a child to show how compassionate and caring he really is. The older alum is there as a mentor and voice of reason, also to show us how wacky older women can be. See also: Diane Keaton’s recent career.

By Karishma

Karishma is a twenty-something living in New York City and is trying her hardest to live out every cliche about Millennials. This involves eating her feelings, drowning in debt and mocking infomercials. She likes sociology so much that she has two degrees in it, and is still warding off her parents' questions about a real career.

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