Inevitable Truths of the Modern Age

Some things are just unavoidable.

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  • The “People You May Know” feature on Facebook will always manage to include the one person who you’ve been trying to avoid, ignore, or forget about for any significant amount of time.
  • In an otherwise empty movie theater, the only other two people who enter will be drawn to sit either directly next to, in front of, or behind you. And they will talk the entire time.
  • The more you resent someone else’s success, the more successful they will become. Often exponentially.
  • No fewer than four other people in any group will have the same ring or text tone as you, leading to a constant chain reaction of phone-checking every time the tri-tone iPhone text alert sounds.
  • You will finally achieve the perfect, photo-worthy, mistake-free cat-eye makeup application when you’re at home, alone in your pajamas, at 9:30 on a Tuesday night, and you’ll never be able to recreate it.
  • Watching TV or a movie with your parents guarantees there will be at least one graphic on-screen sex scene.
  • The perfect item of clothing/pair of shoes that’s exactly your style, on sale, and right in front of you will be available in every size except yours.
  • Some version of Law & Order will always be on TV. If, for some reason, no channel is playing any kind of L&O, the universe will implode.


By [E] Rachel

I punctuate sentences with Oxford commas, and I punctuate disagreements with changesocks. Proud curmudgeon. Get off my lawn.

7 replies on “Inevitable Truths of the Modern Age”

I’ll resent your success if you resent mine. Anything in particular you’d like me to resent?

Also, the make-up thing, but for me, it’s my hair. I’m putting my hair up cause I’m cleaning the house and take 2 minutes to try something new? It looks A-MA-ZING! Try to recreate hairstyle for fancy night out? Looks like I got attacked by rabid squirrels.

OMG! That Bryn! I hate that she writes stuff that other people actually like to read .

My hair can be totally awesome, but other times it’s just inexplicably weird. Like these hairs by my temples that just randomly curl. Or this one lock of my bangs that curls left regardless of how much I flat-iron it.

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