We struggle our whole lives. Our humanity is defined on how we deal with those struggles. My life has definitely had its share of those battles. These last few months have shown my resilience. I am alive.
Being alive is a wonderous thing to me. Somehow, I have made it here. I am 30, married, and happy. These are three things I never thought I would achieve when I was 14. It is still a weird feeling to feel complete. I spent years wandering in the wilderness. Years choking back tears and anger. Years that have taught me so much. Sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old. My body and mind have different ages and struggle with each other.
I am back at 14 hormonally and oh boy has it been fun. Crying at the drop of the hat has to be my favorite thing. My wife and I have a joke about 2 AM because I seem to always have some sort of disturbance around 2 AM. Its considered weird if I don’t cry at least once a day now. The biggest change has been the intimacy between my wife and I. We are so much more close now than we ever were emotionally. It feels like we now are attached at the hip. She commented on how much I like to kiss her now. It just seems to feel so natural to be myself. This has made day to day interactions better, including work.
I started work at my new store in late August. The fresh start has helped me immensely. What’s more, the store is located in the the gayborhood, so I am with my people, as I like to say. No one has said anything about knowing that I am trans or not. This, too, feels weird. I always thought I would be uncomfortable being read as cisgender. Instead, blending has been a blessing. I am pretty sure a few employees know, but no one has said anything. I have been treated like any new manager would be; not any worse. All I have seen is just the regular shit employees put management through.
I have experienced sexism for the first time, though. It was a weird feeling! I feel like customers treat me differently than they did when I was presenting as a male management team member. I have had a few customers talk down to me. I felt strangely validated, which just pissed off the feminist inside of me. I have also noticed that I am being treated “chivalrously” now. Men let me go on the bus first, hold doors open for me, etc. It just blows my mind in all sorts of ways.
Transition has not been what I expected, but it has mostly been awesome. Unfortunately, the worst part has been causing my anxiety levels to go through the roof. My mom is killing me. Her words are so acidic and biting. I love her, but I am coming to the understanding that her love for me is conditional. Conditional to the tune of 500k. My family visited in late August, in fact right before I started at my new store, and it was awkward and tense to say the least. Mom basically said that my inheritance is lost if I transition/change my name. Her estimated value of that inheritance is 500k, including two different parts of farms. Too bad I am done transitioning, and I changed my name before their visit. I want to be defiant, but instead it seems like every word she speaks to me sends me into fits of crying and anxiety. I can’t stop dreaming about her berating me or just situations in general regarding her. I love my mom and this is so hard because of it.
I am finally starting to feel at peace, but it is not complete. The anxiety and lack of sleep has been driving me to thoughts that I believed had gone. I haven’t cut in at least two years, but self-harm keeps creeping into my mind. I spent a few hours the other night staring at a blade. I didn’t harm myself, so I consider that a start. I hope to overcome these thoughts and start to live a care-free existence again. That peace can become ever lasting is my goal.