Loving My Body

Since two days ago, October 29th, I have been on Estrogen for 6 months. As many of you know, this has changed my life. My mind and body are starting to feel congruent with each other. I wake up each day freer from the bonds of testosterone-poisoning than the previous day. I am starting to love myself. 

It’s no secret that I have body issues. I developed an eating disorder at twelve thanks to my mom’s insistence on thinness and dieting. Of course, being raised a boy caused additional body-image issues. Having the wrong parts and going through the wrong puberty made learning about my own body as it developed very awkward and difficult. It made dating hard. Since I was so uncomfortable in my own body, how could I explore someone else’s? I didn’t have my first orgasm until 15 or 16 because I was so afraid of my boy parts.

I always felt ashamed to even touch myself. This may sound surprising since I was never sexually shamed as a kid. In fact, I learned about things like rim jobs and anal sex because my dad was a health teacher. He always had leaflets with the corresponding signs and pictures. I guess his sex-ed classes were pretty entertaining and graphic.

I didn’t hate testosterone-induced orgasms. I mean, they felt great. It was the dissonance and depression that came after them that I learned to loathe. This made it hard for others to love me as well. My first partner, who was a freakin’ unicorn, tried his best. While I liked some of the feelings, I gave off a very disdainful attitude. Combine awkward teen sex with internal homophobia and transphobia and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I experimented a lot all through college, learning to love giving my partner orgasms, but never really enjoying my own.

Fast forward to 2013, and I have learned how much I love my new body. I have learned to love my curves. My weight issues are almost entirely gone. I do not hear my mom in my mind telling me to get rid of my curvaceous body. If anything, I feel sexy for the first time in my life.

I am beginning to explore the sexual landscape of my new body and the feelings are definitely different. My emotions play a bigger role in arousal. My nipples and breasts are also important. They are very fun to have touched. It makes me immensely happy. Though my wife and I incorporate my boy parts into sex play, it is no longer the driving force behind my orgasms. I would say that our sex lives are vastly improved now that I feel better in my own skin.

We have been discussing my decision to get Gender Confirmation Surgery. I now know this next step is important. I love my body a lot now, but imagining feeling complete makes me the happiest girl in the world. I look forward to being able to be fully congruent in my own body. I am so glad I am on the right path. Transition has had its downs, but oh boy has it had its ups. To be able to say I love my body shows me how far I have come.

By Alyson

Queer Pop Culture Junkie in the Northwest. Addicted to Coffee, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fantasy Sports, The Mountain Goats, and Tottenham Hotspur.

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