We continue my recap of my attempt to watch all of Breaking Bad before the season finale. Obviously, the season finale has aired, so the real surprise is whether or not I make it to the end, if you’re into that sort of thing.
This is not a think piece or a literary critique. This is my ridiculous attempt at watching over 60 hours of TV in less than a week, much to the disappointment of my family and chagrin of my roommates. I’m pretty sure my parents are now convinced that spending any money on education was a waste, as this is what I do with myself now.
Note: this is not spoiler free, so if you’ve never seen Breaking Bad, you probably shouldn’t be reading this article or anything else on the internet for the next few weeks. Or years. Give it a few years.
My biggest mistake in this marathon is that I’m refusing to compromise my social life during this. This TV-based project is extremely narcissistic, so my logic is that it shouldn’t interfere with my life. This is why I’m sitting in Bryant Park, catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in a year, but mostly looking at my phone and counting the minutes of TV watching I am missing. It’s so appropriate that this show is about drug dealers; this show is my fix.
Gomez is the best at sassing Hank, and also maybe at life.
To deal with Jane’s death, I found a bottle of bubbles and started blowing them. Nothing is more soothing than bubbles.
Everyone in the apartment is confused at people crawling and the sepia color of the season 3 opener. I’m not helping by screaming, “WHY ARE THEY CRAWLING?? Now why are they crawling?”
Barry is my favorite character, for taking the opportunity at the school pep rally to try and rally for automatic A’s, even though what he should be focused on is the fact that two planes collided in mid-air over his city. That kid’s got his priorities in order.
I accidentally fall asleep at midnight, so I only get to watch four episodes. Chance of failure has increased significantly.
I’m so distracted by that fact that several people in this show are not native Spanish speakers that I’m not even paying attention to the scenes.
THERE ARE LADY BOOBS ON THE SCREEN WHILE FRIENDS ARE SITTING AROUND MY LIVING ROOM, TALKING ABOUT OUR DAYS WORKING IN EDUCATION-RELATED POSITIONS. I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE FUNNY THINGS STUDENTS SAID IN CLASS WHEN ALL I SEE ARE PASTIES.
Not only are roommates now subjected to this, but our houseguest for the night is also forced into watching.
I’ve also decided to make a chocolate loaf cake during this time as a “sorry I’m making everyone participate in this project.”
My roommate is unknowingly contributing to this recap:
A: “Oooh! Industrial washing machine!”
Me: “You know that’s going in my article, right?”
A: “NO! I love washing machines!”
I wasn’t joking about the chocolate loaf cake:
I’m glad Hank got shot because A) poor Jesse, B) Gomez came back!
Gus Fring is terrifying and fascinating. I’m sure this is an understatement.
At 2:30 am, I am still watching, and I realize that I have not eaten any dinner today.
I keep watching for another episode and go to bed. I’ve hit the midway mark and it’s already Friday early morning.
Friday morning is a struggle. I wake up about five hours later and start programming the DVR to catch the most recently aired half of season five. I do this with my coffee cup in one hand and the remote in the other. Our friend who stayed over thinks this is a silly project, and there’s more than a hint of dismissal in her tone.
I’m at the point in the marathon where I feel completely hungover despite not actually being hungover. Walking to work felt like a struggle and I’m not entirely sure the sidewalk wasn’t moving.
I also use the word “bitch” a lot more now, screaming, “conditionally format that, bitch” when discussing Microsoft Excel skills required for our potential new office hire.
Just like Wednesday, I also take a break from the Breaking Bad to go to a ’90s Nickelodeon panel at the 92nd Y (I KNOW YOU’RE JEALOUS, DON’T EVEN PRETEND YOU’RE NOT), and am counting precious minutes of TV time.
I’m finally watching “The Fly” and I can’t believe that Rian Johnson is directing this episode and that I haven’t yet seen Looper. There is also a fly in my apartment which is pissing me off but also feels like part of the show.
I’ve hit a chunk of episodes that I saw last Christmas during my brother’s Breaking Bad binge, so this gives me some freedom to do things like repaint my nails and clean the pile of dirty clothes off my floor
I fell asleep at 3 a.m. on top of my still wet nails, so I guess I have to both restart the nails and the episodes.
Begins with a healthy dose of rage, as I’m angry with Walter for being a condescending asshole to Skyler while she’s negotiating for the car wash.
Mike rolling his eyes as he tries to put his ear back together again is exactly the way I want to start my breakfast.
“I’m just the bitch mom who wouldn’t cut you any slack.” Skylar is the most aware person on the show.
Sometimes, I think this show is great, and then there’s a scene like Gale’s karaoke video, and then it becomes way better than I even imagined.
I am also really enjoying the Mike-Jesse dynamic. This is my request for a buddy-comedy.
I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS SPEECH ALERT. Look at me, identifying all those pivotal moments in the show that people have been identifying for months (years?).
Walt is now requesting that the women in the laundry help him clean his equipment. Oh, fuck you Walt, for exploiting those poor ladies who clearly barely understand you, just so you can one-up Gus.
Also, I really want to go to Four Corners. I read about it in a Babysitters Club book once, and now seeing Skylar standing there searching for direction, I just really want to go there.
WHOSE CHOICE WAS IT TO PUT THE CAMERA ON THE SHOVEL? I AM DISORIENTED NOW AND I USUALLY LOVE NOTICING CAMERA WORK. WHAT WAS THE POINT? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT ADDED. I am in no way overreacting about this five-second shot.
Are all meth heads this ripped or is this Hollywood lying to me? I think it’s the second one.
I just googled “platicar.” I did not know it meant “to chat.” My Spanish minor is failing me.
WALT, YOU GOT THOSE POOR LADIES SENT BACK TO HONDURAS? AFTER YOU KNOW THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT TO GET HERE? Just when I think I am done with him, my disdain just keeps sinking further and further.
I’m a little sad for Gus. His partner was super handsome. Also, I’m not sure I ever needed to see blood pouring out of a gunshot wound of a lifeless body and into a pool.
I say this and another episode starts with a close-up on blood splatter. Nice moccasins, Walt.
Making Hank singing “Eye of the Tiger” my ringtone, right now.
I’m super invested in everything happening with the cartel, Gus, Mike and Jesse, so I’m having a hard time taking notes. Everyone on-screen is passing out and I keep gesticulating wildly as I’m sitting at the dining room table. My roommates seem fairly nonplussed with me at this point. I’m just so impressed with Gus Fring as a boss, it’s kind of ridiculous. He’s just so fearless, and clearly makes the right choices in who he vets and trusts with his operations.
Oh god, I really don’t think my heart can take this show. If these are my last words on earth, I’d like to sound the alarm to Jazmin to clean my internet browsing history and in case of failure, apologize to my parents for everything I’ve bookmarked.
I fell asleep, woke up to my roommate screaming my name and the sight of Gus looking like Two-Face. Time to rewind, AGAIN.
Mike has a named a chicken Wallace. Roommate points out that the chicken should not have a boy name, or it should? Maybe this is a non-gender conforming chicken?
At 8:30 p.m., I’ve made it to Season Five. I don’t take time to celebrate because I have at least 15 hours of TV left.
I immediately take a liking to Lydia, and I think it’s mostly because she was Kate the blacksmith in A Knight’s Tale. Pop culture has ruined me.
The fact that casual racism and misogyny is (sometimes) necessary for the characters and plot to work seriously bums me out.
The “On a Clear Day You Can See Forever” cook scene in “Hazard Pay” is really beautiful.
Things I always appreciate: train heists and Jesse James references.
Things I don’t appreciate: Landry shooting children.
I actually just woke up, opened my laptop and resumed watching Breaking Bad. My eyes weren’t even fully open yet and I can barely make out bright blue. I’m also a little sick, and I definitely bailed on a family event for this marathon, so I am hiding from my mother’s wrath (Hi, mom!) as I write this.
Mike called Walt out for all his BS. Mike Ehrmentraut, American Hero/Best Pop Pop in the world.
Walt Jr. and Holly are the cutest things in the world. Thank you creative team for realizing that we need some serious levity from the ridiculous, blood curdling violence.
HANK IS FIGURING THINGS OUT ON THE TOILET. Inspiration strikes in the best places, let me tell you.
Now I take a two-hour break before joining the Season 5 part 2 marathon on AMC because I would like to not be looking at a computer or TV for once this week. Maybe I’ll read a book or something.
I ended up just loading up the dishwasher, running to the corner store for groceries, and taking a nap.
Madrigal is bizarre and so is Lydia. (That’s all the insight I have left at this point.)
Count me in the list of people who want Walt to die of his cancer.
I am certainly not tearing up at Hank talking to Skylar about Walt.
These last episodes have me curled on the couch, stress eating and just generally feeling like I’m in a state of emotional duress.
I have never been so excited (gleeful?) to see someone pour gasoline all over a house.
I will name my future band “Walter White’s Gas Covered Groin.”
I also greatly appreciate Todd’s ringtone even if I don’t appreciate what he’s doing to Kate/Lydia or will do to Jesse.
FOOD HAS BEEN ORDERED. ROOMMATE IS NOW USING MY HERMIT TENDENCIES AND THIS MARATHON OF FUN AND JOY (HAHAHA, no) TO EXPLOIT MY TV-FUELED GLUTTONY.
I was so distracted by the “Ozymandias” episode that I missed the restaurant calling me three times to tell me there are no pupusas. There is seriously nothing good left in the world.
This one goes out to Gomez.
Sorry, just sobbing on the couch about Hank. And again about baby Holly. Also about everything.
Only Walt would turn his isolation into a desperate concern for his money for the sake of “helping his family.”
Todd may be terrible, but here he is again with the perfect ringtones.
I MADE IT TO THE END.
I FEEL A LITTLE LIKE JESSE MAKING HIS ESCAPE, WHO KNOWS WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME?
I should probably sleep.