This week’s American Horror Story starts with Kyle’s bad singing. Why, show?
Yes, we begin with Kyle’s rousing rendition of “Rosanna” before he and his douchebro frat friends have a pointless argument about the musical styling of Toto as they hang around a tattoo parlor. I chuckle uncomfortably as I remember my friends and I sarcastically singing “Africa” to make fun of social justice tourists who exoticize and homogenize Africa. Anyway, Kyle makes fun of his friend’s hanzi ankle tattoo and declares that he refuses to get a silly tattoo because he wants to be a serious business engineer and help prevent devastation like that wrought during hurricane Katrina.
Presently, Franken!Kyle is horrified to roll up his pant leg and find that Zoe and Madison gave him the leg of the friend with the unfortunate tattoo. Speaking of Zoe, she rolls up on Kyle with a gun and speechifies about why she has to kill him (because she still doesn’t know why he killed his mom). But, when Kyle rips the gun away and turns it on himself, she suddenly decides that she doesn’t want him to die. Make up your mind, kiddo!
Meanwhile, Zombie Madison expresses her woes in a somewhat ham-fisted voiceover in which she (read: Ryan Murphy) analogizes the traits commonly associated with the Y generation and her undead existence. She will do anything just to feel. So, we get a montage of her burning her hand, ingesting several questionable substances, eating everything in the house, and generally looking forlorn and unfulfilled.
Unfortunately, Madison’s late night snacking left the cupboards bare, and Queenie and LaLaurie want some grub. So, they head out to a fast food joint and eat in the car while Queenie realizes she’s sharing food at 3 a.m. with “an immortal racist” and wonders what has become of her life. They go back and forth about being fat before LaLaurie claims that the other women at Miss Robichaux’s will never accept Queenie because she’s, and I quote, “black as coal.” Queenie contemplates LaLaurie’s words.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, Cordelia gets a late night call from Horrible Hubby/Hunter Hank. She’s not here for it and hangs up on him, and we pan out to him sitting on the floor surrounded by high-powered rifles and whiskey. He looks super sad, and I could not care any less. Cordelia gets up and calls for LaLaurie and Spalding, but gets no reply. Instead, she runs into Madison and gets a hell of a surprise when she touches her. She now knows everything about what happened to Madison, and she’s none too pleased.
Speaking of Fiona, she arrives to the Axeman’s humble and roach-filled abode. Ew. Roaches creep me out on a visceral level, and I resist the mighty urge to obsessively check my cabinets. Anyway, the Axeman starts in with the seduction while Fiona rebuffs him and tells him that she’s no good. But, that’s okay, according to Axeman, because they’re both no good, but they can have really good sex. Fiona seems down with that, and sex happens. In case you’re wondering how the Axeman scored a pad so quickly, look no further than the decomposing body of the previous owner in the bathtub.
Meanwhile, Zoe has dragged Kyle out of the basement, taken off his shackles, and tries to help him communicate. Kyle seems somewhat insulted because he’s not unable to understand Zoe; he just can’t seem to communicate what he’d like to say. I’m vaguely uncomfortable with this because it cuts really close to some of the issues many people with cognitive and/or developmental disabilities may contend with in real life. In any case, Cordelia summons Zoe for a meeting, so Madison agrees to keep an eye on Kyle.
Cordelia shares what she knows about Fiona and declares that they must kill her before she murders another witch to stay in power. I’m a little suspect of Cordelia’s motivations; I’m not sure why she doesn’t bring this before the council. Of course, the last witch who tried to expose Fiona burned at the stake, so that’s not exactly an enticing incentive to use traditional means of justice. Zoe seems absolutely floored by this information and returns to her room in a haze only to find Kyle boinking Madison. Sigh.
Over at the Axeman’s pad, Fiona reveals that she knows about the body in the tub and lies that she called the police. For some damn reason, this prompts Axeman to reveal that he’s essentially been stalking Fiona for most of her life, as she lived and grew up at Miss Robichaux’s. He says that he first thought of her as a daughter he needed to protect but then started looking at her “as a man.” Pro-tip, Axeman: Telling a woman you have stalked her for years, thought of her as your child, then developed sexual feelings for her, all while trying to manipulate her into your bed isn’t romantic. It’s gross and creepy. Fiona seems to agree and angrily tells him to stay away from her before she leaves.
While this goes down, Spalding wakes up tied to his bed with his tongue reattached. After he cut it out so many years ago, Myrtle kept it hidden until she could figure out how to revive it and make him tell the truth about Fiona. Way to think ahead, Myrtle. While she couldn’t swing it, Badass Zoe’s powerful enough to make Spalding talk again, and he tells Zoe everything right before she stabs him through the heart.
On the other side of town, Queenie briefly visits with Marie Laveau to discuss LaLaurie and her place in the coven. Marie plays her like a violin, but I believe she’s sincere when she says that Queenie will never have to play second fiddle (string instrument analogies ahoy!) to white women under her guidance. Marie offers Queenie a place if Queenie brings her LaLaurie. Queenie weakly bleats that her coven sisters accept her and seems genuinely conflicted before she exits.
When she runs into LaLaurie, Queenie asks her to share the worst thing she’s ever done. Turns out that she murdered a baby and used his blood in her vitality poultice because her husband very likely sexually assaulted his slave mother and impregnated her. She “couldn’t have a high yellow bastard” hanging around, so the baby had to go. The mother promptly threw herself to her death. Of course, Queenie is horrified, and LaLaurie demonstrates a shocking lack of self-awareness as she argues that Queenie can be the friend that helps her change. Lady, Queenie ain’t your goddamn Mammy.
In other parts of the house, Fiona gets ready to shave her head before smooth jazz music hits the soundtrack to signal that she’s fondly remembering the Axeman’s ministrations. Which, again, ew. Madison, Kyle, and Zoe have a threesome because Madison won’t give Kyle up, but she knows Zoe wants him too. Again, I feel vaguely uncomfortable because I’m not sure how consensual this is on Kyle’s part.
Back on the other side of town, Queenie takes LaLaurie out for a new hairstyle. But, surprise, she walked her right into Marie’s trap! Marie locks LaLaurie up in a cage before Queenie and Marie gleefully and mercilessly cut into LaLaurie. We end with Marie painting her face with the blood of her enemy and looking mighty pleased about it too.
In two weeks: Marie serves LaLaurie her comeuppance; the coven plans to kill Fiona; someone’s trying to kill Misty; and Fiona vows to “live just to spite” her enemies.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Did you miss Nan? Because I missed Nan.