What glamorous doings were our Project Runway All Stars up to this time, Persephoneers? Why, riding the school bus! I think that must mean our challenge for this week involves making a gown out of smelly teenage jock straps, or perhaps band instruments abandoned after the away game. Fingers crossed for both!
Alas and alack, I was wrong. Although the designers did act like kids, which was adorable. Oddly-dressed kids. Badly-tattooed kids.
The bus ferried them (or bussed them, actually) to one of New York’s “classic” elementary schools: PS 212. I’m not sure what Alyssa meant by “classic” — maybe all the children write on slates and walk uphill both ways to get there. This school is known for its creative arts, and so the designers would have to get creative. We know what that means — the unconventional challenge! Yes, the unconventional challenge, wherein at least one model will likely end up half-naked, covered in silly string and paperclips with a flustered designer explaining why it’s “art.”
Back in the workroom, Korto, Christopher, and Viktor tried a little double-dutch with some pilfered jump ropes, which astonished Elena. Elena was hard at work scowling, you see — she had no time for frivolity! There is no room for fun in unconventionality! In Soviet Russia, Project Runway jump-ropes YOU.
While using all these kiddie materials, Korto really began missing her daughter. But she was on PRAS to build a better life for her girl, so she pushed through and continued being awesome.
Not-Tim visited the designers, like she does. Elena started to cry, for her weird materials were not performing in the weird way she desired. Of her constant waterworks, Viktor said, “She must have, like, the smallest violin playing every single second.” He said she was the star of her own Telenovela — ha! Elena was getting so much screen time, I figured she was either going to win or get booted.
Mychael had this idea to chop up crayons and use the iron to melt them on fabric. Not-Tim asked if he’d ever done that before. Nope. She gave him the same look I was giving him in my living room. Shit, even my cat was side-eying. Seems to me that’s a great way to land in the bottom, and ruin some irons along the way. But time would tell, she typed dramatically.
Christopher’s school bus ride reminded him of being bullied in school, which fucking sucks. His design was all black to represent the ill feelings, with a pop of rainbow colors at the neck to symbolize emerging from the dark times into a better life. Although, on the runway, Isaac called bullshit on this sob story.
Mary Kay sent two makeup artists with MK’s new line called At Play to help the designers really make their models gawgeous and colorful. (FYI, if you need some of the fabulous Mary Kay products you saw in last night’s episode, check out Persephoneer Ciji’s page. I personally know and have bought from her, so shop away with confidence!)
The morning of the runway show, everyone ran about, scrambling to finish. I saw a glue gun or two, which made me twitch. However, if there’s one instance in which I’ll forgive a glue gun in relation to fashion, it’s when you’re trying to turn an old Trapper Keeper into couture.
At the judging, we learned that the finished outfits would be donated to PS 212 — yay! Now underage girls can wear ugly craft projects with their butts hanging out like the rest of us. Ha ha no — they’d be auctioned to raise money. Double yay!
The first guest judge was — hold on, folks, she’s a great one — Oscar nominee Gabourey Sidibe! Triple yay! My fingers are getting hoarse from all the exclaiming! That woman has a smile that could light up three continents. Joining her was actor Michael Urie. His smile was nice, too.
Let’s Get to the Clothes, Already!
Irina’s dress wowed me. Her model looked like a walking bouquet, and I could not have told you it was made from school scraps. The strapless pink bodice shone with iridescence, and the skirt — the skirt! — was a bouquet of pink, hot pink, and white flowers. Over the top and amazing.
Christopher was the second wow of the night. His cocktail-length dress looked like shiny, black sculpted armor (made of binders). Scales jutted out at the hips and at points shooting sideways out of the bust. She looked like a lady Loki. I could definitely see the armor needed to endure the torture of bullying. At the throat hung geometric shapes of color made of magnets, anchored by clear plastic around her neck. He made a purse of the same magnets. Super cool and badass. I loved that an anti-bullying dress was so warrior-like. Georgina loved it, and Gabourey said she looked like the Sydney Opera House — which is hilarious and true.
Korto’s outfit was made of rubber bands, bean bags, and rulers. When I first saw it, I thought this is the dress that modern-day Pocahontas would wear to a party. It gave me a vaguely Native-American vibe with its cream, red and blue colors and the feather-esque geometric accents at the shoulders. The blue mini featured a double-layer peplum made of rubber balls. It was a bit sloppy and disjointed, and yet I sorta liked it. Isaac said the proportions were off, and I agree. Up close, you could see that the dress was being held together with binder clips. Gabourey said that due to her goofiness, her red carpet looks often fall apart, so she understood totally. Jebus, I love this lady. Alyssa said it was off, but fun, and that’s what the challenge was about.
Elena’s copious tears and serious no-funning yielded great results. Although I feel like I’ve seen this dress before, I enjoyed her shades of blue cocktail number constructed of rulers, binders, and protractors. She molded the bodice together with the different colored binders, with a center seam of purple ruler. It moved stiffly, as a binder dress will, and the model looked kinda like some exotic insect. Isaac called it fabulous. Michael loved the pointy little boobies. Georgina was a bit disappointed that the self-styled avant-garde designer stayed so safe.
Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Jeffrey has no taste. I think that much is official. Out of floor mats, folders, and jump ropes, he gave us a Sexy Recess costume. She looked like she was wearing a roller coaster harness and the seat as well, for the shoulder straps hovered above her body and the dress itself stuck way the hell out. And yet, all that yellow, red, blue couldn’t cover the poor model’s ass. “I can see her Britney!” said Viktor. Double zing, Viktor — you’re doing my job for me. Michael pointed out that it didn’t fit, and Jeffrey said he didn’t think it was supposed to be wearable. Um wut? Isaac said it looked like a playground. Georgina pointed out the nudity. We all shook our heads. I would like it noted that yes, we had a naked model. Psychic abilities, I haz them.
Speaking of witty Viktor, wow, I loved his dress! The vast majority was strips of cut-up ruler atop a cream body-con dress. The shards aped fringe, and shimmered in purple, blue, and yellow with accents of geometric yellow down the center front. His model sparkled in the light like a modern-day flapper. Gabourey said that sometimes she judges clothes on whether or not Beyoncé would wear them, and she said she would not be mad to see B herself in this dress. (Note: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!) The Gabourey fan club line starts behind me, guys.
Oof — a rare miss for Mychael. His poor model looked unhappy, and why not, in this ugly mish-mash of jump ropes and construction paper. The color scheme looked like an airport carpet — geometric shapes of mauve, periwinkle, and red done on a cocktail dress with a high collar. He plopped two coils of jump rope on each of her boobs and at the waist. “My shit was bad,” he said. Yup. The judges agreed it was a mess, but Isaac loved the color scheme. Hell no — that scheme was pure Epcot circa 1993. I would like it noted that the crayon thing did not work for shit, and that he ended up in the bottom. Psychic abilities, I haz them again.
Seth Aaron’s folder dress was sci-fi warrior princess meets futuristic rapper. I wanted to see Nicki Minaj in it! Plastic sheets of red, blue, and black layered over one another in a stiff top that molded well away from the body. The skirt was slimmer, ending in a red fringe of rulers in center front and back. And her hat was a kickball! I don’t think kickball hats are a thing I’ll adopt, but I admired his footzpah.
Do You Like Me? Check Yes or No
The judges decided that they wanted to go to the spring dance with Christopher, who will appear with his design in a Mary Kay ad in Marie Claire magazine. Yay Christopher!
Picked last in kickball was…nobody! Everyone in the bottom, Korto, Jeffrey, and Mychael, were safe, just because the judges didn’t think any of them deserved to be kicked off. I disagree — I’m tired of Jeffrey’s no taste shit.
What think you, Persephoneers? Would you flaunt a kickball hat?