For every Miracle on 34th Street, or Elf, or Die Hard, there’s a I’ll Be Home For Christmas or Four Christmases, or some movie that you know was greenlit because holiday movies are either Oscar Bait or something that people will see with family because there is only so much fun family time before people start turning on each other.
Look, I LOVE holiday movies. Even terrible ones that star Christina Milian and are set in a snow globe. Or movies that involve ridiculous conceits like rich philanthropic women finding “Dear Santa letters” and trying to fulfill a little girl’s wish for a mom for Christmas (Yes, this is a thing that exists, and it stars Amy Acker. I could not look away and I watched about 95% of it.)
It hurts me that I’ve missed that masterpiece.
Share some of the worst holiday movies you’ve endured below! I still feel like I need to apologize to my dad for making him to pay to see an Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad movie in theaters, but I was nine, so what did I know?
3 replies on “Lunchtime Poll: Worst Holiday Movies”
I started watching an old movie on Netflix, but when I went back I couldn’t find it. I think it was simply called Santa or Santa Claus. Does Netflix remove movies if enough people complain? Because it was hands-down the most unintentionally horrifying, racist, creepy Christmas movie ever.
This movie featured a Santa Claus who lived in outer space, had a telescope to spy on kids in their bedrooms (and the telescope had an eye on the end with eyelashes), who constantly laughed at everything, even horrible things like kids throwing rocks at his head, and, get this: the entire thing was Santa vs The Devil. The devil (who was the stereotypical red-skinned, black-goatee’d, horned-with-a-pitchfork incarnation of Satan, went around whispering in children’s ears to shoplift.
Santa also had hundreds of child-workers from around the globe, all dressed in their “traditional” clothing and they each got a turn to sing a “Christmas carol” in their own languages.
There was one horrifying moment where I thought Santa was masturbating, but as the camera slowly panned up his shaking legs to the sound of his grunting, it revealed he was using one of those shaking fat-belt things. Santa was trying to lose weight.
I could go on and on. And I only watched little bits after the first ten minutes.
Oh, and Santa also had a half-naked blacksmith living in his workshop who made him, upon request, a magic key that could open all doors.
I can’t deal with the endless stream of holiday-themed glurge that’s all over Lifetime and Hallmark channels starting in early November. I just can’t.
I’d rather watch the made-for-Syfy monster movies.