If It Ain’t Broke: Orgasms and Expectation

Q. I’m almost 25 and have never been able to have more than one orgasm per sexcapade. Is there something I can try to fix this? My fiancé is starting to think it is him, despite the fact that I have assured him it isn’t. I have had some really intense orgasms just never multiple orgasms. Thank you for any help you can offer!

A. My love, may I ask what it is about not having multiple orgasms that is a problem to be fixed?

Don’t get me wrong, I encourage you, greatly, madly, and deeply. What a lofty goal, one that more could or should aspire to. But to say “fix” implies that something is broken or broke or about to break. Jarod Kintz once said, “Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam,” and I tend to agree. As far as common standards go, to fix something is to imply that it is indeed broken.

Sex is one of those strange amalgamations that combine pleasure, intimacy, expectation, awkwardness, and all the other mucky, complicated, and strange emotions and body parts that come along with the package of being human. Even when something is good, there is some little voice in the back of our head that says, no, it should be different. I gather this comes from what we think it should be or expect it to be. Who in the hell knows. How much each of us absorbs from the culture at large is always up for discussion and maybe it is our own goal-setting drive that pushes us to “do more, achieve more.”

But for the most part? I think you should let go of the trying to fix part. Again, I encourage you with all your heart and genitals to push forth into the realm of the multi-gasmic. But I don’t think you should define whether or not the sex you are having is successful by that credit alone. Or that your fiancé should continue to think that it is some sort of fault on his behalf or for you to think it is even a fault on your behalf. Like most sex, it kind of just is.

True story: A Virginia newspaper, the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, has a category called “If it Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It.” It’s supposed to read as a curmudgeonly little column, but I find it endearing, mostly because it’s sprinkled with phrases like, “It also has more lives than a cat, bouncing back from each of a long series of devastating weather-related events,” or, “‘Hatch’ing a plan.” Folksy, yes, but it’s all about using those amazing southern truisms to remind you of the golden wisdom of not fudging with something that is alright. And there is a key distinction: to fix means to look for the holes that exist or to think that what is already there is not good enough. To do better means to build upon what you already have. What you have is good.

As for orgasms, or more of them, I’m unsure what it is you could do to have more and more during sex. Maybe like a diamond, with a little time and direct pressure, you’ll be able to pop out a few. Maybe you won’t at all and that’s just the way you respond during sex. But for now? I say let it go — the having to fix it. The wanting to fix it. There isn’t anything to fix. There is just you, your fiancé, and whatever happens between you two lovebirds in the sack. Concentrate on that, and if the stars align just right, maybe you will have a few more orgasms than usual. But don’t make that just your goal. Goals are for long-term project management and video games (okay, and for many other things). But sex should just be about enjoying yourself, not adding more “must do” onto what you have that is supposed to be about letting go. There is enough of that in the world at large. No need to drag it into the bedroom.

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