I’ve been writing for P-Mag for a while now, and I’ve noticed a subtle change in the way I think about headlines. I wrote about what I cared about for a long time, and that was my only consideration. That was before I started seeing the weekly readership statistics. P-Mag has run a lot of amazing articles on a range of subjects, but every week, like clockwork, the posts about sex are at the top. It makes me get a little competitive, and maybe a little desperate. Sometimes I am extremely tempted to write articles specifically on topics that will draw a lot of readers. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. To date, the editors of P-Mag have not been receptive to these, but I expect I’ll wear them down eventually.
Enough with the Blah Blah Blah about this “Jesus” Person
If You Really Were a Feminist, You Wouldn’t Watch Doctor Who
Why Do You Want All the Puppies to Die? The Shameful Truth About “Spay/Neuter”
How to Monetize Your Children While Maintaining Your Self-Righteousness
This White Woman’s Cure for Racism
A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Spouse Swapping
Catering Your Orgies: Why Finger Food Isn’t Recommended
Pics or it Didn’t Happen: Why We Have a Constitutional Right to Photographic Proof of Celebrities’ Sexual Orientation
Things with Cult Followings:
Santa Claus, the Female Orgasm, and People Who Genuinely Like Nutella: Why None of These Exist
At least one of these should beat a sex post, right?
Next Week’s Article: I Was Stalked by an Angry Neil deGrasse Tyson Nutella Fetishist: My Story and How I Imagined It
[Editors’ note: We still love you, Neil deGrasse Tyson! We’re pretty sure she doesn’t even go to this school.]