I have been going to the gym a lot lately. It’s a good way to not only get the exercise my doctor is always yelling at me about, (I do have a great doctor, by the way, and her only point is that it’s good for women’s bones and stuff to do weight-bearing exercise) but also to destress. Specifically, to imagine myself flinging weights into the eyes of people who have ticked me off in the last 24 hours.
The problem is, of course, that the people who have ticked me off in the last 24 hours probably include the other people at the gym. Thus, I give to you:
The People I Hate Most At The Gym
The High School Talkers
“Dude, why are you wearing a chihuahua on your shirt?”
“Yeah, that’s so dumb! You’re an idiot!”
“It’s not a chihuahua! It’s a meme! From the internet, man!”
“It’s a freaking shiba inu! Go find something to do!” ~ Me
High school boys, as you may be aware, are not really at the gym for their health, but rather as some kind of complicated teenage status symbol. While there, they must discuss all aspects of their lives. You may also be aware that the lives of high school boys are not particularly interesting, nor are high school boys members of the intelligentsia. Mostly they talk about girls. And things they think are dumb. And protein powder. I have listened to treatises on protein powder. High school boys: You cannot possibly be working up a sweat if you have the time and energy to hang on the machines and chit-chat. Go find something to do.
The Inspirational Trainer (Who Is NOT My Trainer)
“Yeah, keep going! Push through! Now you’re working!”
“Fuck. Right. Off.” ~ My Brain
This guy. This. Fucking. Guy. Look, I lack upper body strength. I know this about myself. I am not making faces because I need encouragement. I am making faces because I am sitting on a freaking BALANCE ball, trying to do 20 lb. upward shoulder presses that are making me feel like I am going to die. And I already feel ridiculous. So please. Stop drawing attention to me. I have employed a trainer. She knows to ignore me even when we’re three feet from each other. So learn, dude. Just stop talking.
The Guy Who “Borrows” Stuff
“Hey, are you still using that? Can I borrow it? I only need it for, like, two sets.”
“Sure. That’s fine.” ~ Me
Except that your two sets take the same amount of time it takes me to do five sets of other things. Mostly because you are on your cell phone, texting and wandering the gym! There were five other barbells! Do you know how LONG it took me to get that one where I needed it? I am all about sharing equipment (side-eye at all you equipment guarders), but you think because you can do more weighted squats than me you take priority? And THEN, when you were done with it, you didn’t put it back! Borrowing implies that you will put it back!
The Girl Who Works Out Right Next To The Mirror
“Can I just…get in here?” ~ Me, going for free weights every five minutes.
I understand that you need to see your form. I get that. But….you’re just stretching a band across your chest in slow motion, right? Why do you have to be one foot from the mirror for that? I mean, maybe you have poor eyesight, but could you go to a place where you’re not directly in the way of everybody else who may want something off the racks? You’re being impolite. A lot.
Let’s be clear. I hate the gym. I hate everything about it. I hate the smell, I hate the people, I hate the positive attitudes of the staff. But I guess I like the knowledge that I can actually do the things that I have convinced myself I am incapable of over the last 27 years. So if everybody could just act with propriety, politeness, and efficiency, maybe I could get out of there without imagining I’m stabbing everyone.
But probably not.