Ladyguide: The Only Way To Drink Whiskey Is Neat

So Selena laid the smackdown on all you vodka martini drinkers. It hurt, I know, but learning sometimes involves painful realities.

Now, I’m about to do the same for all you who add unnecessary mixers to whiskey, scotch and bourbon.

Stop. Just stop. (Seconded. ~ed.)

You are ruining the taste of a nice aged whiskey by sullying it with Diet Coke. Seriously, it is sacrilege. I once saw someone mix a 25 year old scotch with Coke and we had to have a “Come to Jesus” talk. It still hurts my heart to think about.

It took me several years into my adult life to realize I was doing myself a great disservice by drinking whiskey in any other form besides neat. I had a friend, we’ll call him Sam, who used to say I was ruining that taste of my whiskey by mixing it with Diet Coke and ginger ale. Granted, we could only afford a small bottle of Jack Daniels at the time, so it wasn’t the fancy stuff, but it’s still no excuse. I ignored Sam’s advice until one day, my aunt told me to drink two fingers straight like a “real woman.” Never one to back down from a challenge, I drank the whiskey and then drank some more. I’ve never gone back. I need to find Sam and tell him that he was right all along and thank him for showing me the light.

I’ll admit, drinking whiskey straight is an acquired taste. It’s got a bite and burn to it as it slides down your throat, but it warms you up. It’s a mellow buzz and fits my personality since I’m not known as the life of the party. I’d rather sit in my corner, sip my whiskey and watch the goings on.

As a caveat, I might tell novice whiskey drinkers to start out with ice and maybe a bit of water (like Frank Sinatra used to drink it) since the burn can be a bit too much at times. However, the training wheels period needs to be brief. Otherwise, a person can spend the rest of their lives thinking that was the proper way to drink whiskey and that would be a tragedy.

What about well whiskey that’s on special during happy hour at the local bar? It’s so nasty that it has to be mixed with something right?

Wrong. The simple solution to that is to NEVER DRINK CHEAP ASS WHISKEY. Drink a beer instead. If you’re gonna drink this stuff, never go below Jack Daniels. Trust me, your future hangover will be grateful for a morning off.

My fellow unicorns, I love you and I would hate to see you miss out on the joys of being a whiskey drinker. It is not my job to condemn, but to educate. Come have a seat at the bar. You don’t have to drink whiskey. You can drink a martini as long as it’s gin. You can drink rum or wine or beer or just have a Diet Coke. Just don’t fucking dare put whiskey in it!