The Lady Miss’s Weekly Horoscope for Bookish and Clever People

Gather ’round, children, for it’s time again to read the stars, seek answers in your cards, and let the things which we do not know be known. So count your cards and lay down the bones. It’s time to come together to seek out the potential in what comes next. We are here to find out what lies ahead and celebrate the future untold.


An image of a clip art ram that reads "Aries"
March 21 to April 19

Certainly you must know of the Lucky Cat or Maneki-neko, my dear Aries? The Japanese ceramic talisman is often believed to bring good luck to the owner of said Maneki-neko. The figurine is almost always a cat, beckoning clients, customers, and luck, with an upright paw, a sweet welcome for all good things. Maneki-neko’s are usually displayed at the entrances of shops, restaurants, and other places of business, all ready to welcome in the good luck and money. Some of the sculptures are electric or battery-powered and have a slow-moving paw that waves at passers-by, seducing them with that cutesy little look of cheekiness. Like the Maneki-Neko, my sweet Aries, I want you to put forth with all your might, the same beckoning good will. Seduce passers-by with your cheekiness. Bring them in and make them want to spend their time with you. Make them realize that this was the best time they ever had. Channel your lucky cat, Aries — you’ll need it.


An image of a bull that reads "Taurus"
April 20 to May 20

A poem for you, my dear Taurus. These words come from the famed Pablo Neruda, a man who knew how to make words sing and phrases come alive. Here is what he has in store for you:

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.

Are you able to give the same type of love, my dear Taurus? Or are you one for basking in such a glow of love? One is not better than the other, but going forward, with all those who love and are to be loved, it’s better to know where you stand. Love simply, love because you do, and love because there is no other way. But at least know what you want from that love.


May 21 – June 20

Gemini, being a Southerner, I can attest to the love/hate relationship that one often has with our local native creature, the opossum. So perhaps you can understand how tickled I was to see that in New Zealand, there lies the world’s only Opossum Museum, a place dedicated to “a strange mix of taxidermy showcase, pelt store, and educational center determined to teach visitors about the country’s opossum epidemic.” Now, I side-eye a touch at the word “opossum,” given as I am a “possum” or “passam” girl myself, but I must say, I do love New Zealand’s love/hate relationship with the squirrely, baggy critter. They might spell it differently, and suggest different handling methods, but in the end, it’s the love/hate of possums/opossums/passams that unites us. Find the uniting possum this week, my sweet Gemini. You and they may seem light years away, but given your ability to suss out the loves and hates? I know you’ll be able to extend the possum twig of peace.


An image of a clip art crab which reads "Cancer"
June 21 to July 22

Fear is an awful sort of thing, don’t you agree, Cancer? What may seem like the worst thing in the world to you, the thing that will burn bridges and destroy towns? Well, it sometimes might seem like this:

Fear, whether real or imagined, is something that must be overcome. And when it is? Well, you might be looking at what used to keep you up at night as nothing more than a shallowly leaf. Learn to let go of the fear, Cancer. Let. It. Go.


An image of a clip art lion which reads "Leo"
July 23 to August 22

Leo, it would behoove us all to take a committed nosedive into the vast world of physics, doing everything we could to possibly understand the forces of the world around us. But, life is life, and certainly that is quite a lot to ask. Thus, given the brilliance of the human need to understand and our increasing short attention spans, I give you Minute Physics! The complete guide to understanding the processes of the world, in under one whole minute. Take this lesson in relativity for example:

See, Leo? The impossible isn’t nearly as impossible as we think it is. We just have to condense things down in a format that we can grasp and attain. I believe it was our brother in physics who once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Take that to heart this week, my dear Leo. Your way may not be everyone else’s way, but goddamnit, it is a way.


A person sits on the ground holding up a flower; the caption reads "Virgo"
August 23 to September 22

Ever heard of the Kalpa Tree, dear Virgo? Known as the Kalpavriksha, कल्पवृक्ष), kalpatarukalpadruma and kalpapādapa, the Kalpa Tree is a wish-fulfilling divine tree said to fulfill anything it is asked. It was first mentioned in Sanskrit literature from Sage Durvasa, who meditated under the Kalpavriksha. Legend also says that Shiva’s daughter Ashok Sundari was created from the Kalpavriksha tree by Parvati, as a token against loneliness. Either way, the mythical wish-giving tree stands. Virgo, if met with a wish-giving tree, what on earth would you possibly choose? What on earth could you possibly think of as being granted, just for you? Think hard, my sweets. A similar prospect will pop up this week, and while it might not be a wish-giving tree, it will seem a deal too good, one that needs to be taken wisely. Think long and hard about those wishes, my dear sweet one. You’ll need it.


September 23 – October 22

Libra, do you like popsicles, yet lament that they never look like penises? No fearing anymore, my sweet one! Now there are X-Pops, created by GB Glace. Yes, the popsicles that meet the need for both sucking on sweets and sucking on a sweet, in one fell swoop. “I ate one last week,” wrote a Facebook commenter on GB Glace’s wall. “Or, I actually bought it for my daughter, but when I opened it I died of laughter and said to my boyfriend that they have made an ice cream dildo!” Other comments included: “It’s a little bit kinky to eat the top of the ice cream because it ‘pops’ in your mouth.” Many are quick to deny that the popsicle could be anything more than just a popsicle, arguing in the vein of Freud’s “sometimes a pipe is just a pipe,” but this is the brilliance of coded imagination, my sweet Libra. Penis or no penis, I hope you can wrap your mouth around one of the tasty treats shaped oh-so-suggestively. Think of it this week when you are trying to communicate your own subtle messages. Be bold, be sweet, and above all, be sly.


A clip art image of a scorpion that reads "Scorpio"
October 23 to November 21

A fun fact, my dear Scorpio: Human brains? Have nearly unlimited storage. Unlike bogey hard drives or a closet that needs some serious going through, our brains don’t delete memories when needing to make room for new ones. According to Paul Reuber, a professor of psychology at Northwestern and contributer to Scientific America:

The human brain consists of about one billion neurons. Each neuron forms about 1,000 connections to other neurons, amounting to more than a trillion connections. If each neuron could only help store a single memory, running out of space would be a problem. You might have only a few gigabytes of storage space, similar to the space in an iPod or a USB flash drive. Yet neurons combine so that each one helps with many memories at a time, exponentially increasing the brain’s memory storage capacity to something closer to around 2.5 petabytes (or a million gigabytes).

Now, this may seem startling when you think of all those bad memories lodged in the back, but Scorpio, those memories serve purpose, I humbly swear it. Instead of hoping to delete them like a hard drive’s info, use them only when absolutely needed, clocking them into a folder for reference, allowing the good ones to float around your desktop more. I promise, it is intended for your complete survival.


Clip art of the Sagittarius symbol.
November 22 to December 21

The strangest thing about Google Earth? The fact that certain images are blocked out. According to Atlas Obscura:

Google Earth began blurring or pixelating certain locations upon request. It started with governments. When the site first launched in 2005, images of the White House and the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington, DC were blurred. (They’re not anymore, but the censored version has been replaced with outdated imagery.) Following suit, several countries have official contracts with Google to blur specific sites, among them India and Australia.

Now, an even stranger deal in this action? Google Earth is prevented from showing peoples, both living and yes, the dead. What does this mean for KFC? Colonel Sanders and his chicken laden smile are blurred out on every logo of KFC in the entire world. Sagittarius, this is the problem with big blanking actions. 97% of the time, all is well. And then you have that one loophole issue, the teeny, tiny hole in the system. It can be both good and bad, serving as a signal that systems? Don’t serve everyone. Keep that in mind this week — your systems might be good. But they don’t serve everyone.


A clip art image of a goat that reads "Capricorn"
December 22 – January 19

Florida is known for many things, but I’d say, terrifying old funeral parlors that have been converted into houses and still are so incredibly haunted, none dare to pass, is usually not the first thing that comes to mind. But that’s exactly what one of Florida’s largest attractions is. Behold: The Riddle House. According to Listverse:

The Victorian house was dismantled and rebuilt in Yesteryear Village at the South Florida fair grounds. In the 1920s the house became privately owned by Karl Riddle. Joseph, one of Riddle’s former employees, committed suicide by hanging himself in the attic of the house. Joseph, for whatever reason, hated men, and displays this hatred by attacking men who enter the attic. One man had a lid flung at his head, and men are now no longer allowed in the attic. Other places in the house are haunted as well, with furniture being frequently moved.

Sure it would be easy to chalk this up to another one of Florida’s other deserved reputations, but perhaps there is more going on underneath the Sunshine State than just wild pill addictions and crazy news story headlines. Perhaps there is something bigger, something more… oh well. You know. Either way, don’t discount everything right off the bat Capricorn. It’s easy to blame things on high troublemakers and strung out girls gone wild, but maybe, just maybe… there is a bit more at work here.


A person kneels and empties a bucket of water; the image reads "Aquarius"
January 20 to February 18

Ever heard of Haidinger’s brush, my dear Aquarius? It’s an entoptic phenomenon (meaning, visual hallucinations that come inside the eye) that allows the viewer to perceive the polarization of light. Typically, this comes in the form of a “yellowish horizontal bar or bow-tie shape (with “fuzzy” ends, hence the name “brush”) visible in the center of the visual field against the blue sky viewed while facing away from the sun, or on any bright background.” Technically, this occurs due to the dichroism of the xanthophyll pigment of the macula. In simple English? Certain pigmented molecules that are invisible to many, are visible to some, due to a misshapen piece of the retina. While is technically regarded as a “problem,” I can’t even begin to imagine the possibility of what it means to see what is there that no one else can see. I mean, for chrissakes, you can see molecules invisible to the human eye! Aquarius, think of it this way this week when you go forth into the world and seem agitated by that strange visual metaphor that is getting in your way. You actually might be being exposed to a part of the world that almost always remains unseen.


Two fish swim in a circle, and the image reads "Pisces"
February 19 to March 20

Pisces, I know you certainly know the tale of Anne of Green Gables , but what of the tale of 赤毛のアン Akage no An, (literally, Red-haired Anne)? The story goes that there is an orphan named Anne Shirley who is both imaginative and brightly spirited. One day, Anne is accidentally sent to Miss Marilla Cuthbert and Mr. Matthew Cuthbert, a childless couple who had requested a boy. The couple was determined on sending her back, yet as they find out more and more on Anne’s sad past, she becomes an irreplaceable member of the family of Cuthbert. It’s the same story, but just a different teller, which might explain details like so, but in the end, it still is the same story. That’s the good thing about stories, Pisces. We have them and though our details may differ, we all come back to the same ending. Remember that this week when the details might cloud your vision and get in the way of the end.

ADVISEMENT FOR ALL THE SIGNS THIS WEEK: The wind blows two ways, sweet dearies. That doesn’t mean that one way isn’t right and the other is. It just means that you ned to listen more. Take that to heart this week, my dear ones. You will absolutely need it.

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