Bones aired a new episode on Monday. This is a recap. That’s as clever as I can get with this one.
I. A body is found in a bed of kudzu, which has pretty much grown up, around and through the remains. There’s enough flesh for a DNA sample, though, and the victim is revealed to be Joe Starkel who, along with his brother Ken, appeared on the children’s television show The VegetaBills. Joe was Carrot Bill until he left to start a new show, Mirthquake Village.
Ken and his wife Marilyn are appropriately horrified to find out about Joe’s death, especially since Brennan immediately forgot everything she learned over nine years of working with Booth about how to best inform grieving families of their loved one’s untimely death and blurts out the news without even a cursory “sorry for your loss.” What’s important, folks, is that you know corn is not a vegetable. Got it? Corn IS NOT a vegetable.
Injuries consistent with a fight are found on the body and it’s revealed that the producer of Joe’s new series, Jake, fought with Joe fought when Jake canceled Mirthquake Village.
Angela finds a Twitter account for Carrot Bill and discovers Joe had an obsessed fan, Debra Ann Volker. Volker sent hundreds of tweets describing interesting uses for Joe’s carrot but insists to Sweets that she was just grateful because watching the VegetaBills with her six-year-old son helped her lose weight and become a successful cosmetic salesperson. Joe blocked her, even though his carrot was getting peeled on a regular basis by a lot of other mom’s obsessed with the show.
Angela also undeletes Joe’s email and discovers that after the cancellation of Mirthquake Village, Joe was writing the producer of the VegetaBills in hopes of coming back to that show. Booth talks to the new Carrot Bill, who happens to be the producer’s son, Tommy. Tommy was fine with Joe coming back because Tommy was hoping to become Asparagus Bill and apparently asparagus gets laid as much as carrots.
Cam and Dr. Edison find evidence on the ribs that someone performed CPR on Joe, leading to hospital records that prove Joe had a heart condition that could cause fatal arrhythmia if he were suddenly startled or shocked. Other injuries indicating a fall are found but no signs that Joe tried to break his fall, leading to the conclusion that Joe experienced a sudden heart attack and died immediately.
Angela (she was very busy this episode) finds out that Marilyn’s credit card was used at the same time and in the same location as Joe’s, leading Booth and Sweets to suspect the two were having an affair and that Ken might have deliberately shocked or surprised Joe knowing it would kill him. They confront Ken, who admits that he and his wife are in an open marriage (it’s okay, they’re artistic) and he was fine with being cuckolded by his brother. He denies attempting to kill Joe, especially since Joe was taking medication to control his heart condition.
Unfortunately, the drug tests done on the remains prove that Joe wasn’t taking any medication, including the beta blockers for his heart problem. Brennan suggests the reason is that the drugs can cause impotence. Booth surmises that since Joe’s carrot was getting a heavy workout while he was with the VegetaBills, Joe deliberately didn’t take the medication.
Hodgins finds animal poop in the run-off from the kudzu, which leads to a children’s animal show filmed in the same studio as the VegetaBills. Skidmarks are found in the studio parking lot and suspicion again falls on Ken but before he can be arrested, Hodgins also finds a lot of moisturizer ingredients and Booth brings Debra Ann Volker back in for questioning.
Debra just wanted Joe to notice how pretty and thin she was and merely drove up next to him and honked her horn. Since her car was electric Joe never heard her coming and the horn *literally* scared him to death. Then, because the first thought anyone has when someone dies for no reason in front of their car is to stuff the body in the trunk and dump it in a patch of kudzu, that’s what she did. 911? Fuck 911. Stuff his ass in the trunk . . . because that always ends so well. Like, in prison.
II. Dr. Clark Edison wrote a mystery, crime solving whodunit book, a la Temperance Brennan. He guilts Cam, Hodgins and Angela into reading it. It’s bad. It’s very bad. They get liquored up to tell him how bad it is but before they can break the news not so gently, he announces it’s being published by Brennan’s publisher. The three critics become immediate fans, heap praise on Edison and the book, and ask for more wine.
III. Booth tries to plan the ultimate birthday party for Christine. Brennan is written this week as a joyless happiness sucker whose criminal parents only let her outside to go to school (it’s Max’s fault! Blame Max!) so she knows nothing about anything resembling fun. Booth takes over the party and hires Ronnie, a drunken one-man band who, coincidentally, wears the same jacket size so while Ronnie is passed out at the playground and attracting no attention whatsoever, Booth puts on Ronnie’s jacket and instruments and then he, Brennan and Christine (briefly not invisible anymore and cute as a button — and can we talk about how gorgeous Michael Vincent is?!?) play tag while the rest of the children and parents watch.
There you go. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find a brick wall and bash my head against it.
