The Lady Miss’s Weekly Horoscope for Bookish and Clever People

Gather ’round, children, for it’s time again to read the stars, seek answers in your cards, and let the things which we do not know be known. So count your cards and lay down the bones. It’s time to come together to seek out the potential in what comes next. We are here to find out what lies ahead and celebrate the future untold.


An image of a clip art ram that reads "Aries"
March 21 to April 19

Heal thyself, Aries. I want that to be your mantra this week. It seems like worlds are crashing and that everything you held sacred isn’t really worthwhile at all. In the midst of all of it, I beg of you, heal thyself. You had relied on others to make it through, you had relied on achievements to measure your worth. But none of it matters because, Aries, the only one who can fill the hole? Is yourself. Heal thyself, sweets. You can’t go on until you do.


An image of a bull that reads "Taurus"
April 20 to May 20

There is an old saying, Taurus: “Honey and Vinegar.” Honey attracts flies more than vinegar, which is a reminder to stay kind and sweet, but Taurus, sometimes vinegar is the preserving liquid you need. It may not be a pleasant taste in its full form, but distilled, vinegar transforms, preserves, and amplifies what is already there. Certainly remember your honey, my dear Taurus, but I implore you to never forget vinegar.


May 21 – June 20

Gemini, this morning I was watching the boob tube and noticed a commercial for men’s hair plugs. You’ll notice these two-minute testimonies with the transformative before and after photos, complete with airs of confidence and spray tans, all serving as evidence that the man with the hair plugs? Is now better. Much better. These commercials always leave me with a touch of sadness, because while I believe in physical change as a mental pick-me-up, I don’t believe that physical change leads to a more deserved reward nor the assumption that you do deserve a reward. Gemini, transform the physical, but remember that it entitles you to nothing. You were able to be loved before and able to be loved after. Nothing more. Nothing less.


An image of a clip art crab which reads "Cancer"
June 21 to July 22

Believe in second chances, Cancer. We all fail to realize our chances when they come to us the first time, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of not recognizing that what we are intended to do is right smack in our faces. But as indifferent as the universe is, it is also forgiving, and it is always happy to serve another go around at a time where you have perhaps grown less fearful, less intent on what you think you should be doing. There is a force in the air for you this week. Hold tight to the ground and when it comes to you, blowing across the normalcy of your life like it always intended to be, reach out and grab it. Let second chances be the ones you hold tight to forever.


An image of a clip art lion which reads "Leo"
July 23 to August 22

The soul is like a good steak, my dear Leo. It takes work and craft to get it to a level of near perfection. First, you must be content with the steak you are working with. Second, you must respect the marination process: it is here that the steak must soak in the influences directly related to it, allowing it to seep into the deepest crevices, influencing the taste and texture. Next, when it is ready to cook? You must watch it with care, not pressing on it, but letting it work with the natural pressure of an open flame to form into the steak it will be. Finally, let it sit. Let it reabsorb the juices that it marinated in, cooling from the pressure of heat, becoming the steak you will so thoroughly enjoy. Let this be your guide this week, when it seems that the outside world is intent on throwing you on the grill before your marination is complete. Everyone may seem like they are ready for you, but unless they are ready for a dry steak that only minimally pleases? They should back off and let you continue to marinate.


A person sits on the ground holding up a flower; the caption reads "Virgo"
August 23 to September 22

I believe in waiting and hoping, my dear Virgo. People may say that this process is one that keeps you from moving forward or limits your fast-taking decisive power, but there are times when ideas, like seeds, must germinate. You must hope for the plant to come, but the only way to do so? Is to wait. Wait and hope, my sweet Virgo.


September 23 – October 22

Libra, this truly funny thing happened to me when I moved from a large city to a small town: I saw stars. I knew they were there, I knew they were beautiful. But it wasn’t until I stepped away from the bright lights of a giant city, only to be swept up in a backyard with an open sky, that I truly realized how long it had been since I had seen stars. In fact, I had substituted the bright glow of constant activity and beaming street lights for something comparable to the actual, expansive, whole encompassing beauty that was an open sky. This is not to say that street lights and activity aren’t beautiful, certainly not. But perhaps it takes removing yourself from one type of beauty to really appreciate another. Find your yard. Find your sky.


A clip art image of a scorpion that reads "Scorpio"
October 23 to November 21

The cosmos knows best, Scorpio. It certainly doesn’t feel that way in the midst of a crisis that feels so shattering, so broken, and so ready to eat you alive. But ask yourself this: How shall it be in a year? How shall the terrorizing sadness and disappointment feel within a year that has allowed you to grow, to change, to evolve? How have you allowed yourself to take the lowest of that low, and use it to reach higher than you ever have? This is what the cosmos wants of you, Scorpio. Not to wallow in the sadness this has so unfortunately brought into your life, but to learn how you may use this sadness to propel you to be the person you are intended to be. Like I said, my sweet. The cosmos knows best.


Clip art of the Sagittarius symbol.
November 22 to December 21

Cherish the ability to regain, Sagittarius. It is a rare occurrence, but one that will allow you to balance the upcoming losses. These losses are not to be feared nor avoided, and in fact, they may serve you well. But only if you channel the power to regain as not only a coping mechanism, but as a goddamn super power where all your strength may lie. Do this because you must. Do this to survive. Do this because it is what you do. Regain, Sagittarius. Regain.


A clip art image of a goat that reads "Capricorn"
December 22 – January 19

Capricorn, travelers get weary. Not immediately, and maybe not now, but eventually, we all come to look for a place to root. This should never stop you from the whirlwind of looking and seeking that you pride yourself on, but it should serve as a magnetic pulse for adventures to come. Take in every breath, every step, every single moment that it takes to travel the world and soak in all that it offers. But remember: home is out there. Set your compass there.


A person kneels and empties a bucket of water; the image reads "Aquarius"
January 20 to February 18

It is easy to be at war with oneself, isn’t it Aquarius? I swear, there are so many things you could pick from that a general artillery of hardships to shift upon yourself is as easy as, well, pie. Instead of waiting to go to bat with all the aspects of your self, why not take a moment to be kind? Be kind to the struggling, flawed, reaching for a better person that you know yourself to be? Instead of sending reinforcements and bombs into the most vulnerable spots of your psyche, I ask you to plop flowers in the places where the guns are drawn. Think of it as a revolutionary moment.


Two fish swim in a circle, and the image reads "Pisces"
February 19 to March 20

It’s all about the end, Pisces. I don’t mean this in the way that nothing matters because we are all just going to die. But perhaps that is a mentality that can push you forward to making the best decisions you possibly can by way of thinking, “How will I feel about this when I am at the end?” This certainly adds a much-needed perspective on those tiny nuisances that could certainly short circuit even the most patient, but in the big, big, big picture? This small things are easier to let slide off your shoulders like so much water off a duck’s back.

ADVISEMENT FOR ALL THE SIGNS THIS WEEK: I offer this to you, for the week ahead.

  1. Eat dessert first. You never know when a banana pudding will be your last.
  2. Stand up for yourself, especially to yourself.
  3. A grudge is a tenant who uses all the electricity and never pays any rent.

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