The Small and Large of the Matter

Q. So, I have a new sex partner. We’re getting to know each other. So far, he seems open to new things, and he listens. I always get a heck of nervous with a new partner, but eventually I mellow out, so I’m not worried about that. Here’s the thing.

Dude has a small penis. Yes, it’s the motion of the ocean, but here’s the thing: I can’t really tell when he’s inside me, especially when I’m on top, which is awful because that’s the position where it’s easiest for me to come. I sort of get into a rhythm and he’s suddenly not inside me and it’s so very awkward. I really like this guy and he’s so good at other sexy times things, but I need some advice on dealing with the whole P in V thing? 

A. Sometimes I feel really bad for men. This is often a fleeting thought, especially in the midst of the whole trying to navigate the being a woman dilemma, but goddamn, if I just do not feel bad for men. Not because they have it worst, but because they don’t always seem to be aware that they are affected by the very same unattainable standards that women are.

Feasibly speaking, you could throw the small penis in under that category. Could. But I am curious what would happen if the discussion centered around a large and floppy vagina, something characterized as “not good enough” among a lot of things that are “good;” in other words, just a small setback. Context is everything of course, and it is far more of a trend that women are micro-managed for their parts rather than men. But I suppose the angle I am trying for here is that of a more empathetic approach. Mostly because you and I and almost every woman knows what it is like to be reduced down to a part that is insufficient for the whole, no? To feel as if the bulk of who you are has been sifted through to this one thing that is not good enough — a good enough that is also based on subjective taste.

It sucked, did it not?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with personal taste. As the saying goes, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” However, is how you express your feeling towards this said distaste that matters. Personally, distaste expressed cruelly is the type of stuff that stays with people. 

The way I see it, you have two options.

Option 1. You leave. You make peace with the fact that despite everything else, you value size. It is what makes sex count. It is what makes you feel good. You realize that there are other fish in the sea and you do everything you can to break it off, possibly offering to explain that you just need something more. You do not have to be specific, but you offer it as just a personal need for more.

Option 2. You stay and you work with what you have. You use all that dissatisfaction to fuel the ways you can make sex satisfying for both of you. You take the good with the small.

It is surprisingly that easy.

Do you stay with the small penis, the thing that seems like it just isn’t enough, despite everything else? Or do you go elsewhere to find someone who meets your standards, but who may be lacking in other areas?

Do you navigate the ways that you two can come together and make sex work for both of you, or do you navigate the way to another partner?

What do you do?

I can’t tell you. The only thing I can tell you is that kindness goes a long way, whatever the decision is. And that humans seem to be the only ones who throw their hands in the air when obstacles come up, rather than figuring things out. Horses don’t do that. Birds don’t do that. They see the obstacle and go around. Maybe that’s sort of the brilliancy in having a brain that isn’t jacked up to higher thought.

So do what it is you need to do. Just be kind.

 

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep ‘em com­ing! You can send us an anonymous message via the Ask Us! fea­ture here.