Persephone’s Pop Culture Horoscope: Middlemarch Ladies Edition

This week, the ladies who dominate Middlemarch Madness will be your guide.

TaurusTaurus (April 20 to May 20)

Taurus, this week you are Hermione Granger. Hermione doesn’t take any guff off of anyone, and neither should you. She isn’t afraid to be right, to be right the loudest, and to be right the longest; even when faced with a terrifying authority figure. Trust your instincts, and your smarts, this week.

“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.”

GeminiGemini (May 21 to June 20)

Gemini, this week you are Minerva McGonnagal. You may be faced with a prime opportunity to lay down the law this week. If you can pull it off with Professor McGonnagal’s steely resolve, you’ll be way ahead of the game.

“Sit,” she said, and they both backed into chairs by the fire. “Explain,” she said, her glasses glinting ominously.

CancerCancer (June 21 to July 22)

Cancer, this week you are Meg Murry. Meg faced impossible odds and insurmountable obstacles with her wits, her courage, and her kind heart. This week, remember that being kind is different than being nice, and let your wits guide you.

Suddenly there was a great burst of light through the Darkness. The light spread out and where it touched the Darkness the Darkness disappeared. The light spread until the patch of Dark Thing had vanished, and there was only a gentle shining, and through the shining came the stars, clear and pure.

LeoLeo (July 23 to August 22)

Leo, this week you are Lyra Belacqua. Your world keeps tipping on you, but you keep finding a way to stay upright. You’ve got a lot on your mind, but it doesn’t distract you from the mission at hand, or the big picture. Your ability to self-reflect will serve you well this week.

Lyra had to adjust to her new sense of her own story, and that couldn’t be done in a day. To see Lord Asriel as her father was one thing, but to accept Mrs. Coulter as her mother was nowhere near so easy. A couple of months ago she would have rejoiced, of course, and she knew that too, and felt confused.

VirgoVirgo (August 23 to September 22)

Virgo, this week you are Elizabeth Bennet. You recognize the difference between reality and appearances, and you aren’t afraid to question why things are the way they are, especially if how things are doesn’t make any sense. Stand toe-to-toe with whomever challenges you this week, Virgo. You’ve earned the position.

“My fingers,” said Elizabeth, “do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I will not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman’s of superior execution.”

LibraLibra (September 23 to October 22)

Libra, this week you are Jo March. Like Jo, you’re one of those people who quietly get shit done. You don’t demand recognition or praise, but you wouldn’t turn it down, either. You’re going to astonish yourself as much as you’re going to astonish the rest of the world this week. Let me be the first to tell you how great that is.

I want to do something splendid before I go into my castle—something heroic, or wonderful—that won’t be forgotten after I’m dead. I don’t know what, but I’m on the watch for it, and mean to astonish you all, some day. I think I shall write books, and get rich and famous; that would suit me, so that is my favorite dream.

ScorpioScorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Scorpio, this week you are Katniss Everdeen. You’ve figured out how to be singular while you’re a cog in the machine, and you don’t care who knows it. You have a knack for finding allies, and drawing them into your mysterious Scorpio charm. Don’t wear pink on Wednesday, wear something that looks like it’s on fire.

Great. Now I have to go back and tell Haymitch I want an eighty-year-old and Nuts and Volts for my allies. He’ll love that.

SagittariusSagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

Sag, this week you are Arya Stark. You’re fiercely independent, by necessity, but you remember the roots that helped form you into who you are. This week, give a nod to those who went before you, family or not, as you blaze your own trail. Also, stick them with the pointy end.

Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell’s grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan’s stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow’s smile.

CapricornCapricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Capricorn, this week you are Ramona Quimby. You know beauty when you see it, whether it’s in the kindness of a teacher or the way a word rolls off your tongue. This week, the beauty may be harder to see, so take a moment to look for it, you won’t regret it. Don’t be afraid to say what you think.

“Miss Binney smiled encouragingly. “Is there something you would like to tell us about your doll?”
“I can really wash her hair,” said Ramona. “It’s sort of green because I gave her a blue rinse.”
“And what do you wash it with?” asked Miss Binney.
“Lots of things,” said Ramona, beginning to enjoy speaking in front of the class. “Soap, shampoo, detergent, bubble bath. I tried Dutch cleanser once, but it didn’t work.”
“What is your doll’s name?” asked Miss Binney.
“Chevrolet,” answered Ramona. “I named her after my aunt’s car.”
The class began to laugh, especially the boys. Ramona felt confused, standing there in front of twenty-eight boys and girls who were all laughing at her. “Well, I did!” she said angrily, almost tearfully. Chevrolet was a beautiful name, and there was no reason to laugh.
Miss Binney ignored the giggles and snickers. “I think Chevrolet is a lovely name,” she said. Then she repeated, “Chev-ro-let.” The way Miss Binney pronounced the word made it sound like music. “Say it, class.”
“Chev-ro-let,” said the class obediently, and this time no one laughed.

AquariusAquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Aquarius, this week you are Turtle Wexler. An unlikely ally might be just what you need this week, Aquarius. Don’t be afraid to look beneath the surface of those around you, you might be delighted with what you find. Patience, thoughtfulness, and a willingness to (metaphorically) kick a few shins when someone pulls your braid are what make you you, Aquarius.

“Cheer up, my friend, the game’s not over yet,” Sandy whispered. “You still can win. I hope you do.”

PiscesPisces (February 19 to March 20)

Pisces, this week you are Shakespeare’s Beatrice. You’re the sharpest knife in any drawer, but you use your wit like a scalpel more than a butcher’s knife. Let your flag fly this week, Pisces, because none of the rest of us can even hope to keep up with you. Rather, we’d like to bask in your glow.

A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

AriesAries (March 21 to April 19)

Aries, this week you are Harriet the Spy. You just GET things a little faster than everyone else, and rather than setting you free, the truth has caused you some serious trouble. Stand your ground, apologize when you need to, and remember that stereotypes are mostly bullshit.


By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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