Revisiting BSB’s “I’ll Never Break Your Heart”

Sometimes we go on YouTube spirals of old movie soundtracks or club hits. Sometimes you just really want to relive those Pure Moods commercials.

I stumbled upon a Backstreet Boys video that I had never seen before, which honestly is SHOCKING because I was a Backstreet Boys fan, so apparently I had failed at being a prepubescent girl.

I’m used to this late ’90s miracle right here:

Look at their different aesthetics and distinct personalities!

However, one blessed day, I found this alternate video because back in the ’90s, they were still testing things out in Europe first, rather than on the internet.

Reflections on the best “Let me be your Rebound Guy” song/video ever:

We set the scene with some girls hanging at a ski resort, as girls do. Drinking cocoa and bringing up their friend’s recent break up as often as possible because what are friends for, if not deep emotional scarring?

Don’t trust them. As soon as these “boys” show up, they will abandon you and you will be alone in the corner of the cable car, while Brian awkwardly eyes you up.

Kevin opens it, which pretty much tells you this is a weak effort. They hadn’t yet perfected the Nick-Brian-AJ powerhouse that relegated Howie and Kevin to occasional harmonies and pensive head nods.

Kevin doesn’t just open. He talks directly to you, girl. He knows you’ve been hurt. He won’t hurt you. He’s not like those other guys.

These girls drink a lot of hot chocolate because record company execs were carefully crafting a clean cut image for the Backstreet Boys.

Thankfully, these girls don’t have to be sad for too long, because these fashionably dressed boys are here to prey on your emotional fragility, fix your broken heart.

Another indicator that this might be an early edit of the video would be the constant partially obstructed dance scenes. Is it art  Is it, let’s film this quick before the lodge closes completely for the day, just dance around the ski rack?

It’s definitely the second thing.

There is also this genius moment where the object of Brian’s affection/girl who got dumped gets off the ski lift at the exact same moment Brian belts out, “girl, it’s time to let go.” It is literally, time to let go.

Brian still hasn’t won this girl over. Don’t worry, fans of romance. A well placed rose and a heart shape in the snow will do the trick.

Brian inexplicably draws a broken heart, because subtlety is non-existent in pop music. If you’re not feeling bad for the girl whose friends ran off with the other four members (yes, even Howie), and now has this guy pursuing her by reminding her that she was recently dumped, so she better settle quick, then you might be heartless.  You might be that heart in the snow. Cold and broken.

But wait! She is somehow charmed by this. All the young lovers will converge at exactly where they should.

This snowman they just made.

After three seconds of G-rated fun, carnage and chaos erupts and the snowman is destroyed.

There are more fun family-friendly activities, like sledding down a distance of about 18 inches.

The video ends with each of the members of the Backstreet Boys pairing up with a girl who happens to be dressed in a similar color scheme and a slow R&B-inspired fade out.

By watching this video, I’ve learned several things about love and relationships: 1) never overestimate the power of a good patriotic sweater in wooing someone; 2) you can dance your point across, even if there are obstacles; 3) you can never be too literal; 4) when in doubt, punch a snowman; and 5) the best way to combat the ills of singledom is just to find someone wearing like colors and couple up.

Thanks, Backstreet Boys.