Justice shall be served.
Nothing is worse than having to share outdoor space with irritating people. Especially when it’s an outdoor space you’ve worked to make nice and those people are rude, inconsiderate, condescending, creepy, and messy (not that I’m speaking from experience here or anything). But fear not, P-Mag to the rescue with this super-serious* guide to dealing with obnoxious neighbors.
- Highway retaining wall.
- Cover everything on the patio in bubble wrap, then sit there like, what, you’ve never seen patio furniture covered in bubble wrap before?
- Install that laser grid thing from Resident Evil and deploy it whenever you want the place to yourself.
- Two words: foam party
- Every time they try to make conversation, reply by speaking in tongues.
- Fill their side of the porch with playpen balls. If no playpen balls are available, cotton balls will work. Especially if it’s rainy.
- Record a child relentlessly asking “why” and play it on a loop whenever they’re outside.
- Open window weather is, like, a really good time to learn to play the French horn, isn’t it?
- Plant one of those trees that smells like jizz.
- Buy a white noise machine. Buy 100 white noise machines and aim them all at their windows and doors and turn them on at top volume. That’ll learn ’em.
*This is a joke. I am sure you’re smart enough to figure that out, but the last thing we need is a lawsuit on our hands because someone tried to laser slice their next-door neighbors.