Op Ed

We Don’t Care About Your Penis, Tom Junod

Esquire writer Tom Junod has a boner for 42-year-old celebrity women. 

You see, in the olden days, according to Mr. Junod, 42-year-old women were sad, tragic, washed up, and completely unfuckable. I’m sure we’re all probably chewing our nails to the quick RE: whether this fine, fine catch of a man wants to touch our vagina parts with his penis parts, even though we’re practically rotary-dial phones. I’m also sure his heartfelt and completely not full of bullshit love letter to these sad, elderly women like Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler, and Sofia Vergara is going to get him all the sex he wants with them, as he is such a wizard with the sweet talk.

Of course, they have to work for their advantage; they have armored themselves with yoga and Pilates even as they joke about the spectacle. Still, what has made them figures of fantasy is not that they have redefined the ideals of female strength but rather their own vulnerabilities.

I know chaos is about to ensue. All of us who can tick off “42” as an age (or answer to everything, as the case may be) are going to be forming lines around Mr. Junod’s penis like it was a cronut in 2013. We’re going to beat down that sad man’s door with grateful cries of, “Thank you, Mr. Junod. Before you said those beautiful words about how I look naked at a cocktail party because of feminism and boners, or something, I had no idea I was still a woman!”

I don’t know about you, friends, but my fuckability has certainly been validated.

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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