That’s right, you heard me: POOP.
Okay, you caught me. I forgot I was making these for a post until I had already mixed in the dry ingredients and started adding the wet ingredients. Mea culpa.
This post was inspired by this recipe, but I can’t stand the taste of shortening, ever, at all, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I used my own recipe instead:
- 3 cups all-purpose, no frills flour (don’t use self-rising flour like I did once. Twice. Okay, three times. On accident.)
- 3/4 teaspoon baking powder (NOT baking soda. I did that too. Last week.)
- Some salt, to taste. Or not. Just give it a few shakes until you feel like it’s enough
- 1 cup butter/margarine (I use whatever is in the fridge)
- 1 egg
- A splash of milk, or water
- Almond extract, if you like that sort of thing
- Powdered sugar
- 1 cup regular granulated sugar
Start of by stirring the flour, salt, baking powder (NOT SODA) together in a big bowl. Only sift it if A: you own a sifter, and B: you enjoy cleaning up the huge mess that a sifter inevitably makes.
In another bowl, mix up the butter, sugar, egg, vanilla, and almond extract until smooth. Gradually add the liquid to the dry, and it will eventually look something like this:
The aforementioned recipe says to plop some of the dough onto some Saran wrap/cling film/whatever you want to call it — it’s the work of the Devil because it only sticks to itself.
So, uhhh, drip a bunch of food coloring onto the dough. Keep in mind that the colors bake lighter than they look raw. I started with green, because that is the BEST color. Wrap it up in the cling film and massage the food coloring into it.
Okay, so the cling film behaved predictably terribly, didn’t contain any of the food coloring, and got all over my hands. Time to improvise! I found a bunch of produce bags that I bought a year ago to tie cookies up as wedding favors. That did nicely! In went the dough, more food dye, smoosh around, good to go. Onwards! The second hunk of dough was chosen to be red. Dough in the bag with loads of red food dye:
Uhh….so…carry on, and make whatever colors you want. I went with green, (blood) red, a purple that looks brown, and yellow. This should be interesting. My lovely assistant, Sue, was at this point very dubious of this project and was probably wondering what she’d gotten herself into. Sorry, Sue.
Chuck all of the dough hunks into the fridge for 2 hours, or the freezer for one. I chose the freezer because I am impatient and a little bit ridiculous.
After the appropriate amount of time, pull them out and get to sorting the dough out. The goal here is to roll the dough into thin, long ropes. Good luck, because you’ll need it. The dough is going to stick all over your hands and work surface, no matter how much powdered sugar or flour you use.
Poor Sue was really wondering what she’d signed up for. “Come bake some cookies, she said. It will be FUN, she said.” I don’t blame Sue. At this point I was really regretting my decision to take on this project.
Continue to roll out the dough into thin strips about 4-5 inches long, depending on how big you want your poop to be. Is your unicorn on a high fiber diet? Better make those poops nice and big. (Sorry.) (Actually, not sorry because that was funny.)
Stack up one strip of each color and roll those together. Now, pick up your mega roll and twist it, then curl it up like this:
Pop those suckers in the oven at 375 degrees Fahrenheit, or 190 degress Celsius, or 463 Kelvin. Cook them for about 10 minutes, or until they look done and not squishy. Pull them out and cool them on a rack.
Now, unless you are some kind of wizard or magician and can make sprinkles stick to a dry cookie, you’ll need some help in this area. I decided to make a very simple glaze with half a mug of powdered sugar (very specific measurement) and about a tablespoon of milk until I got a spoonable glaze (spoonable is a word, I looked it up in the dictionary that I wrote). Drizzle, drip, or smear the glaze on your cookies and decorate as you like. I used leftover sprinkles from Christmas cookies, edible glitter, and these weird silver ball sprinkles that I bought in December to look like ornaments on the Christmas tree cookies I made.
Here’s what we ended up with! Go forth and make a huge mess in your kitchen, Make dozens of unicorn poops! Be free!