Bromance. Man-purse. Moobs. Mandals. The Male Kitchen. Or to take a crude turn: mangina or boy-pussy. Why do men, who already put their stamp on 98% of society, need their own version of certain words?
The silly thing is that these words aren’t even the right translations of the words they try to masculinize. Bromance. Brother-romance? That sounds like incest. Is that really what you want to call the friendship with your best male friend, man? Maybe you don’t know that a satchel is called a satchel and the first time you learned the word was when you watched The Hangover. Maybe you watched it together with your bros and continuing to call it that reminds you of the sweet time. Okay. Maybe, a more possible maybe, you worry that calling it a satchel might make you look like you care about fashion, and what kind of man cares about fashion? Not you!
To carry on in that fashion: Sandals are unisex. Sandals come in every shape and size and color and who the hell thought that sandals would be a better sell if you called them mandals? Can you imagine walking into the shoe store and asking the helpful salesperson for mandals? Drop it, drop it before you even started it.
You know that most people really don’t fill their days with wondering if you’re manly enough? You know that some people who do wonder about your outfit will count something as masculine when it’s part of a man’s attire, right? Or are mancamo-pants (brocamo?) next? Some women have hair on their upper lip, so do I hear a brostache coming?
Of course, it’s pretty clear what the real reason is behind this additionmto English vocabulary. A real male doesn’t cook, has no friendships, doesn’t gain fat on their chests, wears no clothes, and doesn’t like anal sex. Only women (and gay men) do such silly things.
And because women and homosexuals keep asking for more representation, it’s obvious that lines have to be drawn.
That’s why I propose a completely new language by which real manly males of the world may recognize each other. It will be like pig latin, only it will put hair on the chests of those who speak it. It won’t only help the men, it will help everyone else. Imagine how much easier life would be if you could tell the man child from the person you actually want to be around by their manly gibberish?