31 Days of Halloween – Day 8, A Primer for Zombies to Stay Safe This Halloween

October is the worst month to be a zombie. First, we hate “pumpkin spice” — it’s gross, but avoidable if we don’t chomp any women wearing UGGs. The second point is the most difficult, however: Halloween. October 31st is the worst day of the year, besides Valentine’s Day. Love cannot be turned into a commercial transaction comprised of cheap paper hearts! Zombies, be very careful on Halloween, for the humans are out to get us.

Thanks a lot, The Walking Dead. Or maybe it should be called Some Dick Named Rick, amIright? Thanks to the sensational and false representations of zombies in shows like TWD, humans are ever-ready with a baseball bat or a Katana sword. They see an innocent zombie shuffling down the street on his way to the dry cleaner’s and LOP goes his head. It’s not okay! That happened to my cousin, and it’s a lot harder for him to get around now that he can’t see. But his headless horseman impression is amazing.

The other major pitfall for zombies is that humans will start dressing up as us. Oh, how cute, a fake zombie. Well, listen, dude, if you’re going to cover your face in greyish green paint; give yourself lots of attractive, oozing wounds; and moan suggestively at me, then don’t get pissed when I ask for your number. Screaming while wetting your pants is not polite. I get it, you don’t like short zombies, but if I’m courteous to you, you can at least say, “No thanks” instead of calling 9-1-1.

Zombies, it’s a harsh world we live in. Our food doesn’t just sit neatly arranged on supermarket shelves, we have to chase it down the supermarket aisles. And these damn wannabe Michonnes are just a pain in the neck. (Get it — pain in the neck? Ha! Oh, I just re-kill myself sometimes.)

Here are some tips for surviving and thriving during this horrible Halloween season:

• Dress up as a human. Try wearing a nun’s habit or a priest frock. They’ll cover most of your rot, and the humans seem to give deference to these members of their society. Of course, we know that there’s no such thing as heaven or hell, just the unending yawn of time and the voracious desire for squirming guts, but these ignorant living beings will learn soon enough.
• Splash on a bit of perfume or cologne to smell more like the humans. “Taylor” by Taylor Swift is a popular choice. Bonus — when you wear this stuff, you attract lots of youths, who have the most tender flesh.
• If a human begins to catch on that you’re a zombie, interrupt them with a political position that is sure to inspire debate. Say something like “Boy, Sarah Palin sure is a genius,” or “Global warming will melt all our faces off.” No matter if the human agrees with these sentiments or not, they all have an opinion that they will blather to you. While they are bloviating, get away as fast as you can on what remains of your legs.
• If you’re a headless zombie like my poor cousin Bob, put a melon on your bloody neck with a photo of Beyoncé taped on. All the humans will worship you, and they’ll interpret your foot-dragging as a new dance they should master.
• Get together with a bunch of friends and stay in large zombie packs. The humans may try and challenge one or two of us, but a group of the undead will cause them to comically run screaming into the dead of night. Then you’re free to play “Cards Against Humanity,” which is fun, but very misleading. There’s not one card in there that will actually help you defeat humanity.
• When in doubt, just eat ’em. You know the old zombie saying — the bigger the jerk, the sweeter the brains. That’s why the most popular zombie cities are Los Angeles and Washington DC.

If you have a great tip for zombie safety this Halloween, leave it in the comments! Humans, this is a safe space for zombie discussion — please keep your anti-undead comments to yourself.