Are you ready for part two of the epic story of Simran and Raj? HERE WE GO!
Reminder: you can find part one of this recap here and you can watch along on Netflix Instant because of synergy. That’s what synergy means right? I’m not going to reintroduce characters because part one has all the introductions
1:32 – A plane takes off and lands because that how you know we’re in India, also because part two of this song plays (starts at 2:36) and everyone is in shalwars and looking real Punjabi.
1:34 – Tearful reunion time. Baldev’s mother cries when seeing her son after 20 years. Every time a grandmother is involved, everyone cries.
1:35 – Time to meet all the crazy aunts and uncles, including Simran’s sassy spinster aunt who is all like LOL I’M NOT MARRYING THESE VILLAGE LOSERS. Stay cool, crazy aunt. Later you’ll see Chutki giving gifts to all the cousins from the UK, which is a perfect immigrant move of wait if we’re going back home we need to take EVERYTHING with us and actually, let’s call them and see what they want since who knows when we’re going back there.
1:36 – Kuljit entrance time. Now remember, he is obviously the opposite of Raj, who is fun and chases airplanes, so naturally we’re gonna end up with Raj.
Kuljit sees Simran and is all like yeah, I’m gonna hit that. Gross.
1:38 – Simran’s mom gets super real and talks about the lie of equality and how women are still expected to make sacifices that men don’t have to make. Lajjo tells Simran how she didn’t want Simran to grow up having to make those sacrifices, but the world is terrible and it would probably be best if she just forgot Raj. Bollywood takes on the Patriarchy but then crumbles under the weight of it…like we all do. Simran agrees that she has no idea what Raj may feel and decides to go ahead with the wedding.
1:42 – Kuljit is gross and talks about himself in the third person. That pretty much sums him up. Chutki sasses him in English and demands he calls her by her full name, Rajeshwari, because Chutki doesn’t like him. Kuljit continues to eyebrow act and be generally lecherous, while Simran thinks she’s hearing Raj’s playing the ukelele or mandolin or whatever small stringed instrument he played on their adventures in Europe.
1:43 – Good news, Bollywood movie drunk uncles and aunts are just like yours! They sit around and sing famous songs from other Bollywood songs. Add dancing, and you’ve invited my dad to the party. Meanwhile, grandmother, who hasn’t seen Simran since she was an infant, thinks Simran looks sad. Baldev is threatening and Lajjo promises that Simran will forget Raj. OR WILL SHE?
1:45 – Simran wakes up the next morning to hear the mandolin or whatever and runs through the fields and THEN THE MOST ROMANTIC MOMENT IN ALL OF BOLLYWOOD HISTORY HAPPENS.
- Fact: this song was played at every Indian & Indian-diasporic wedding reception from 1996-2000. Every. Single. One. (Yes I still know all the words, and no I don’t speak Hindi.)
- Second Fact: There are entirely too many men wearing short silver necklaces in this movie. It’s so terribly 90s.
1:51 – Simran begs Raj to take her away as the wedding is in a few days and her father would never end the engagement. Raj refuses to elope and wants to pull the traditional ask permission from the dad thing. Patriarchy strikes again. Raj has a plan, and they will pretend to be strangers for it. This seems like it will lead to hijinks.
1:54 – Raj’s plan is to trap Kuljit, pretend he’s a tiger, and then rescue Kuljit from the “tiger.” Totally normal. Kuljit is sold. Kuljit is an idiot.
1:58 – Raj comes home with Kuljit. Kuljit’s little sister falls in love with Raj instantly. People need to stop doing that. You know who’s not in love with Raj? Baldev, who seems to recognize Raj from that time Raj tricked him to buy beer. Raj is screwed.
2:01 – Raj is introduced to Simran and Rajeshwari, who he quickly wins over. Rajeshwari immediately tells him to call her Chutki, because suck it, Kuljit. Raj also charms Lajjo by taking some hostess duties off of her hands and starts serving sweets. Raj is basically being super helpful and charismatic and slowly everyone is happier, except Baldev, who is super skeptical.
2:04 – Baldev goes to feed the pigeons as he does early in the morning, and Raj is there doing the same. He is relentless in his attempts to win this man over, and it’s awkward and slapstick. Mostly awkward.
2:09 – Raj continues his charm offensive by helping aunts pick saris, helping Lajjo cook, and even singing with Simran’s cousins. In the fun sing-along, you get to also hear the song that gave us the title of the movie, or you can watch the YouTube video below.
I took a minute break to plan to do my makeup like Mumtaz, the actress featured in the above song.
2:12 – Raj meets Simran on the roof in secret and she is angry that tomorrow is her engagment to Kuljit and they still don’t have a plan. Raj manages to console her. Simran sneaks back to bed, where Chutki tells her that she likes the roof man more than Kuljit. Chutki may be pretentious, but she’s observant and smart.
2:15 – In a matter of days, Raj has completely won over so much of the bridal party that even Kuljit is confused at the amount of time Raj spends with them. To be fair, in the middle of wedding insanity, the one person who seems to have all the answers becomes the MVP of weddings. Simran lies about cutting her hand so that the engagement ring isn’t placed on the right finger. This way, it’s not like she’s really engaged, but who cares about those super specific antics because this happens right after.
Even buzzkill Baldev gets into the spirit!
2:23 – Now that Baldev and Raj have bonded through the power of music maybe they will continue to bond over the pigeons. JK, Raj tries too hard and fails to warm Baldev’s cold, dead heart.
2:26 – Raj has different problems now. Kuljit’s family wants to marry him off to Preeti. Raj attempts to stall by saying his father needs to be there to approve. The rule of rom-com hijinks that says everything that can go wrong in a comedic fashion will go wrong comes into play right about now. Raj’s father arrives in Punjab at the exact same time. Thanks, lazy screenwriters! Add a line about how Kuljit’s father found Raj’s father while the latter was wandering around a marketplace with Raj’s photo and you’ve tied up all those loose ends.
2:29 – But of course Raj’s father agrees to the marriage proposed by Kuljit’s father, meaning Raj would marry Preeti. Kuljit will still marry Simran. Raj and his father plan to figure it out.
2:32 – Raj’s father is also slowly charming Baldev and Lajjo. He also meets Simran’s aunt, who of course said she would only marry a foreigner, so there’s a true love story.
2:35 – Simran has been fasting for Karva Chauth (1:50 in the video above), which is a regional holiday for married women to fast and pray for the health of their husbands. Simran, that smart son of a bitch, faints immediately when Kuljit holds water up to her mouth, which of course prompts Raj to run to her aid and give her water. IT WAS A RUSE! RAJ GAVE HER WATER FIRST! SHE BROKE HER FAST WITH RAJ! DO YOU SEE?
2:38 – Simran is angry that Raj is late and now she won’t eat, because she is 18. Half of their problems are only problems because these characters are very young and very stupid. Bless their hearts. It’s okay, it was a two minute fight and now they are back to being in love, but danger strikes! Lajjo catches them! Lajjo who wanted to protect her daughter and not have her sacrifice the way she had to. If only there was some inner monologue that could help us process this.
2:40 – Lajjo brings Raj and Simran to her room and gives them bangles and tells them to run off together. Raj declines. Because they have come so far being honorable, they will not elope.
2:45 – Kuljit continues to be a turd while Raj is slowly bonding with Baldev. Baldev starts to share stories about when he was a kid, and about feeling like the doves don’t recognize him. Kuljit shoots a dove and Baldev is outraged, but no worries because Raj manages to save the bird and takes that chance to apologize about the beer. What I like about this movie is how broadly it draws the characters. Kuljit is a cheating, over-macho turd, while Raj is the light of everyone’s life and can literally heal animals he’s so good.
2:49 – Because this movie wasn’t throwing enough obstacles at Raj and Simran, Simran’s grandmother is dying and they want to move the wedding to tomorrow. I bet there will be more appeals for elopement.
2:52 – Raj and Simran stare at each other while the things they said to each other last week play over sad music, because romcoms. They mentally plan to elope, I guess, because they don’t really speak to each other in this scene (starts at 2:36).
2:53 – ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST AMAZING REVEAL EVER?
Baldev finds a photo of Simran and Raj together that is so obviously one of those movie props of that time they were together, but the audience has seen that scene and NO ONE was there to take that picture, so how does that photo exist? You can’t use promotional stills as props, movie!
2:55 – Raj is about to leave when he finds the whole family waiting for him, and Baldev in the middle, holding the photo of Raj and Simran, serving some angry eyes realness. Baldev starts slapping Raj, who of course doesn’t resist because if we’ve learned anything about this movie, it’s that Raj is a lover, not a fighter, señorita.
Simran intervenes and yells at Raj for not eloping when they had the chance. Simran has great timing. Raj appeals to our hearts with a passionate plea towards filial piety and respect and his deep unwavering love for Simran, which leads him to leave her with her father. Raj, father does not know best. Raj begs forgiveness from everyone and says his goodbyes in what feels like the longest sequence ever, but it’s super dramatic and super emotional, so it’s pretty standard Bollywood.
3:02 – In case you think the last 8 minutes couldn’t possibly top anything else that’s happened, you are not familiar with 90s Bollywood and their inexplicable love for large gang fights. When the therapist from Silver Linings Playbook gets involved, that’s how you know shit is getting real. Raj lied about being a lover not a fighter. He is very definitely a fighter in cases of somewhat terribly choreographed fight sequences where one man who has not been previously bitten by a spider, fallen into a vat of toxic waste or revealed an alien past, manages to take on a whole crew of men larger than himself. Also, I can’t fully describe how this movie goes completely off the rails in the last few minutes, so here, just have this.
In the end, Baldev looks into the teary eyes of a blood-soaked Raj and sees the heart of the only man who could ever love Simran as she should be loved. Simran has learned from her previous train jump and is wearing a slightly better bra than the first time.
We also end with a montage because this movie was 3 hours long and you might have forgotten everything.
This is how the movie ends. With a shot that would be used in all the promotional materials forever and always. You just know the production team took one last look at the final montage and thought, yes, nailed it.
I don’t even have anything else today, because that final image pretty much sums it up.
