Better Language Through Unicorns, Part 1: The Basics

Grammar may not be particularly fun for everyone, but everything’s better with unicorns! Let’s let our magical friends walk us through some of the trickier words that many of us still mess up no matter how many times we go over the rules. 

This week’s examples can be summed up thusly: Never use an apostrophe with a pronoun to make it into a possessive adjective. I know, English grammar rules say to do that with nouns, but English grammar rules are kinda fucked up and contradictory. It’s OK; the unicorns will make it all clear.

Its vs. It’s

Here we go with the damned rebellious apostrophes. Ignore the rules to distinguish the possessive its from the contraction it’s, short for it is or it has.

• The unicorn is admiring its horn in the mirror. It’s so pretty! It’s been ages since I saw such a beautiful unicorn.

 Your vs. You’re

Same here. Your indicates possession while you’re means you are.

• When we see the unicorns, you’re going to be so excited I bet you’ll crap your pants!

Their vs. There vs. They’re (vs. There’s vs. Theirs)

You can remember that there refers to a place because it’s the opposite of (and only adds one letter to) here. Add an apostrophe and you’ve got there’s for there is or there has. They’re is the contraction of they are.  That leaves only their and theirs, which are the adjective and possessive forms of they.

• Look over there! Unicorns! They’re frolicking all over their field. And there’s another one! This whole area must be theirs. There’s been quite an uptick in unicorn land ownership around these parts.

 Whose vs. Who’s

This one doesn’t come up as frequently, but it follows the same general principle. Whose is a possessive/adjective, while who’s means who is or who has.

• Who’s the prettiest little unicorn? Who’s got the shinest little horn? YOU! Now, whose baby are you; we need to get you back to your parents before they get worried.

Check back next week for more grammatically correct unicorns!

Note: This is for personal edification and entertainment only. Don’t be a dick about people who misuse these or any other words, especially on the internet — you have no way of knowing if they have a learning disability, made a simple typo, or just got screwed by autocorrect.

(Unless they’re making these mistakes while ranting about how everyone needs to speak English in ‘merica or are otherwise being an ignorant hypocrite about language usage. Then you have my permission to tell them how very wrong they are on all levels. With gusto. Make the unicorns proud!)