Friday News Bites: Short and Semi-Sweet

After two weeks in a row with story after dreadful story, let’s have something short and with some sweet, sweet karma.

Noted Asshole and Pharma-dude Martin Shkreli bought the one copy in existence of Wu-Tang Clan’s latest album, Once Upon a Time in Shaolin. BUT WAIT! There was a clause that said Wu-Tang or Bill Murray could steal it back at any time.

So of course someone had to write up a 70 page heist movie script detailing how that could go down.


On Thursday, Shkreli was arrested on securities fraud charges! My guess is that someone out there thought, “Okay, I bet this motherfucker has something he’s hiding.” He’s since posted bail, but apparently the investigation has been ongoing since 2014.

So of course, someone had to think of the children Wu-Tang:

In other karmic news: Abigail Fisher — the girl who tried to have Affirmative Action thrown out because she believed a minority kept her out of University of Texas, Austin — was sent packing by the Fifth Circuit court. Maybe you should have just worked harder in high school, kid.

San Bernardino Update: Still no evidence linking the shooters to ISIS, according to the FBI.

A judge declared a mistrial after jurors couldn’t reach a verdict on one of the officers charged in the death of Baltimore resident Freddie Gray. Five other officers will head to trial next month.

All the facepalms: Vladimir Putin thinks Donald Trump is “a very bright person.”


Actor Harry Morgan, perhaps best known for his role Colonel Potter on M.A.S.H., has died. He was 96 years old.

John Dineen, partner to Downton Abbey‘s Michelle Dockery, died this week after an undisclosed illness. He was 34.


An interesting profile: At 116 years old, Brooklyn resident Susannah Mushatt Jones is now the oldest person alive.

Blur’s Damon Albarn and Oasis’ Noel Gallagher performed together at Clash bassist Paul Simonon’s birthday party earlier this week. Chrissie Hynde even joined the group for a few songs. Now that’s a party.

Anything interesting you’d like to note, fellow unicorns? Give a shout in the comments.

By Sara Habein

Sara Habein is the author of Infinite Disposable, a collection of microfiction, and her work has appeared on The Rumpus, Pajiba and Word Riot, among others. Her book reviews and other commentary appear at Glorified Love Letters, and she is the co-manager of Electric City Creative.

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