Hello, unicorns. This week’s News Bites have more entertainment stories than usual, but some weeks, maybe we need that. First though, let’s get into more serious matters:
It’s the end of America’s Next Top Model for another season. I know you’ve been waiting to see who won, Persephoneers. You can’t spell “anticipation” without the words “Titanic piano.” I am even now playing a swan song on my Yamaha keyboard as this ship o’ moddles sinks into the icy depths of the North […]
There are only two more episodes left of America’s Next Top Model for Cycle 16! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the tension?! My cat just yawned. IT’S ON, PERSEPHONEERS! Who will make the final two? Molly? Hannah?? Brittani??? Should I ask more questions? WHY AM I ASKING YOU? YOU ARE NOT HERE!
By the pricking of my smize, something silly now arrives! It’s America’s Next Top Model, sponsored by Cover Girl. Cover Girl – the makeup company that enthusiastically uses ANTM winners according to its most basic contractual obligations (TM).
There are only FIVE models left! Five moddles moddling in Morocco on America’s Next Top Model! Get ready for a lot of screaming about camels. “OMG IT’S A CAMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” It was just like that. Hannah cracked the inevitable “camel toe” joke. I’m a classy bitch, so I would have stuck with a “hump” joke.
Ooh! Are you snmassing yourself with excitement? Grab a cleansing tissue, Persephoneers, for I’m going to recap the clip show that you probably got pissed off at last night and didn’t bother watching. I’ve never actually watched one of these “hey, let’s slap some unused footage together and call it ‘never-before-seen’ or some shit” episodes […]
I don’t know about you kids, but after last week’s harrowing episode of America’s Next Top Model, I’m about ready to swear allegiance to the dark side of modeling, where instead of smizing (smiling with your eyes), you snmass (sneer malevolently with your ass). I’m snmassing as I type. Someone give me a car.
This week on America’s Next Top Model, your recapper felt ancient and thanked her lucky stars that she wasn’t twenty years old anymore. Well, maybe she wished her ass were still twenty years old. Just not the rest of her.
Welcome, friends, to another exciting recap of ANTM, America’s Nastiest Toe Medications. I am your host, I. M. Masochist. Sit back and soak those feet like the specialist told you — we’re in for one toe jammin’ time!
Hark! Do you hear the tinkling of the bells? It’s America’s Next Top Model time! Remember, every time a bell rings, a moddle gets her smize. Wait, maybe that was my microwave burrito buzzer. Whatever. I’ll smize at the burrito, no matter what happens with Ty Ty and friends.
Are you ready, Persephone readers? It’s once again time to play “I can’t believe I watch this show. Me, an actual adult!” I have a cocktail, the overwhelming encouragement of my husband (“I don’t care what you do”), and I’m ready to recap America’s Next Top Model — a show so acute and complex, it […]
Friends, it’s MAKEOVER WEEK on America’s Next Top Model! You know, the week every cycle when Tyra gives most of the girls really pretty new looks, but then dyes one model’s hair three shades of puke green, shaves off one of her eyebrows, replaces it with a winking tattoo of Linda Evangelista, and then declares […]